POOP READING
Oct 10, 2014

For much of 2014, there has been an epidemic of Ebola in West Africa, and last week, the CDC declared its first case of Ebola in the United States, as a man who was infected in Liberia traveled home to Texas. Fear of Ebola has been even more widespread than the disease itself, causing some people to go overboard in their concern...

Signs That You're Getting a Little Too Paranoid About the Ebola Virus

—You work for CNN. (Jameson)

—You already have emergency action plans for Fbola and Gbola. (Mike)

—You burned down the headquarters of the Eminent Butt & Olfactory Legion of Analysis, ruining decades of research into whether he who smelt it indeed dealt it. (Brandon)

—If sex with an eel prevented it, you'd totally do it with an eel. Also, you've really been looking for an excuse to purchase a sex eel. (Matt)

—You swallowed a small flash drive with the 1995 Dustin Hoffman movie Outbreak on it, thinking that might help somehow. (Joe)

—You've stopped bathing in other people's bodily fluids, just to be safe. (Dan)

—You removed anyone from your fantasy football roster who was starting to "look a little Ebola-y". (Jameson)

—You've replaced "cream and two sugars" in your morning coffee with "antibiotics and three squirts of Purell". (Mike)

—You call the authorities every time you hear your neighbor listening to the Toto song "Africa" in his car. (Brandon)

—You only masturbate while wearing oven mitts. (Jameson)

—You're doing cocaine to help you calm down. (Mike)

—You believe it can be spread by a bite from Wolf Blitzer. (Matt)

—You threw your TV set out the window when Blackish came on ABC. That show has African-Americans, people! (Joe)

—You refused to open an online birthday invitation because it referred to "e-bowling". (Mike)

—You've almost completely stopped sucking strangers' dicks on the subway. (Jameson)

—Given that one of the anagrams of "Ebola virus" is "broil Suave", you've taken to baking shampoo in your oven and serving it to your family as a vaccine. (Brandon)

—You wear a mask to Skype. (Mike)

—You're holding your breath until February. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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