Sep 12, 2014

This week, Apple announced that its newest product, the Apple Watch, will be coming out in early 2015. In addition to being a timepiece, the Apple Watch will also let you text, make phone calls, and check your email and calendar. It offers apps, the use of Apple Pay to purchase things, and a fitness tracker. And there are even more features that didn't make it into Apple's keynote address...

Lesser-Known Features of the New Apple Watch

—Tells you the current time, as well as what time it will be in exactly one hour. (Jameson)

—It will automatically turn off NCIS: New Orleans anytime it hears it on a nearby TV. (Matt)

—Comes with a tiny detachable keyboard so you can also turn it into a laptop. (Brandon)

—Fits snugly up Christopher Walken's ass. (Joe)

—Let's you check Facebook from your wrist instead of the palm of your hand. (Dan)

—With an optional band accessory, can be worn as an eyepatch. (Jameson)

—Whenever you request directions, it always leads you to the nearest Sunglasses Hut. (Matt)

—Comes pre-loaded with nude celebrity pics of Steve Buscemi. (Brandon)

—By offering 24/7 companionship, it will help you finally get over Meredith. (Jameson)

—Book Scroll: Read your favorite books, scrolled across the watch face one word at at time! (Matt)

—Wearers can use Apple Pay to deposit lunch money directly into bullies' accounts. (Joe)

—Gives you a small shock every time it hears you say "It is what it is," in order to help you quit. (Jameson)

—Constantly monitors the health and safety of your junk as you walk. (Dan)

—Knows exactly what date and time you will die. (Jameson)

—Has advanced sensors that alert you to the presence of both carbon monoxide and Tom Arnold. (Matt)

—Automatically converts all traditional watches within a 20-foot radius into goat penises, thus forcing the traditional watch owner to decide between going out and buying an Apple Watch, or being the kind of person who wears a goat penis on their wrist. (Brandon)

—Has a countdown to when NFL commissioner Roger Goodell will be shitcanned. (Joe)

—Hates Jay Leno. (Jameson)

—If worn while you simultaneously do work on your Macbook, listen to music on your iPhone, and Facetime on your iPad, it transforms you into the most pretentious douche alive. (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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