Aug 15, 2014

With the start of a new school year rapidly approaching, parents are scrambling to make sure their kids have everything they need. But a few of the items on their school-issued supply lists are a bit surprising...

Unexpected Items on the School Supply List

—A helmet, a Kevlar vest, and a paperback copy of How to Take a Bullet. (Tenessa)

—Trash bags in which to put the uneaten fruits and vegetables from lunch. (Mike)

—College-ruled iPad. (Jameson)

—A copy of Doris Roberts's autobiography, Are You Hungry, Dear?: Life, Laughs, and Lasagna. (Brandon)

—Independent study cannabis. (Matt)

—Big asterisk stickers to put all over their science textbooks (Texas only). (Joe)

—A copy of the Left Behind book series in case one child gets left behind. (Dan)

—A picture of your mommy in her bathing suit. (Tenessa)

—Twerk-proof jeans. (Jameson)

—17 pounds of venison. (Brandon)

—A month's worth of newspapers for the new "bathroom." (Matt)

—Elmers brand Eatin' Paste. (Mike)

—Bat repellent. (Jameson)

—Lizard repellent. (Tenessa)

—Bottle of ipecac to induce vomiting in case of ingestion of bat and/or lizard repellent. (Brandon)

—Merle Haggard bookmarks. (Matt)

—Special teacher-bonin' condoms. (Joe)

—A texting-2-inglish dictionary. (Tenessa)

—Extra large bottle of Doan's Backache Pain Relief caplets. (Brandon)

—Edible underwear, for the days when either snacks or undergarments have been depleted. (Matt)

—Application to join the Breakfast Club, Gryffindor, the Dead Poets Society, or Mr. Kotter's class. (Dan)

—Shrinky-Dinks, Polaroid film cartridges, and Hi-C Ecto Cooler—it's really more of a scavenger hunt. (Jameson)

—Huh. This thing says BYOT (Bring Your Own Teacher). (Tenessa)

—Two latex gloves and the willingness to jerk off a ferret... for science. (Matt)

—Teacher's "happy juice" (preferably made by their special friend Jim Beam). (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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