Aug 1, 2014

—Fart on the Mayor. (Mike)

—With a crowbar and a pack of firecrackers. (Tenessa)

—Depending on your gender, you should probably try to Bosom Buddies or Albert Nobbs your way out of it. (Brandon)

—Why don't you just ask your precious Obama? (Joe)

—You'll want to file a Petition for Chickenshit Outfit Reassignment, DC-47R. You can get those from Dave's office, but Dave is out this week for his cat's biopsy. (Jameson)

—Have a great month of July for the Chickenshittingest outfit there is: the Minnesota Twins. That's how Sam Fuld did it! (Matt)

—Gout. (Dan)

—Get a better offer from that new web start-up that's totally gonna still be in business six months from now. (Mike)

—Have you even tried crapping your pants? (Brandon)

—Just keep hitting "Reply All" instead of "Reply". Soon enough, you'll be curtly asked to leave. (Joe)

—Notarized permission slip from Ed Asner. (Mike)

—When you get a little older you'll realize that chickenshit outfits like these build character and strong moral fiber. (Jameson)

—Touch my stuff. Or, my "stuff". (Dan)

—Tell 'em what's what. Then, after an appropriate pause, give 'em the ol' what for. (Mike)

—Get JFK'd? (Matt)

—Look, we all know you're eventually going to realize you love Linda and come back for her, so why leave this chickenshit outfit in the first place? Just tell Linda how you feel, you fucking pussy. (Mike)

—Send Bill Pullman in your place; odds are nobody will know the difference. (Joe)

—Get caught masturbating in the children's book section of Target. (Mike)

—You can't. But according to this documentary I saw, if you say "Beetlejuice" three times, Michael Keaton will appear, and Michael Keaton makes everything better! (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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