POOP READING
Jul 11, 2014

This week, Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling published a short story update on the characters from her beloved series of novels: Harry has "a couple threads of silver in his hair", Hermione Granger is the deputy head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, and Ron Weasley's “famous ginger hair appears to be thinning slightly”. But these aren't the only changes life has dealt the now-grown kids from the books...

Other Ways Life Is Different for the Harry Potter Characters in Their 30s

—Less concerned with goblins and dragons, more worried about IRA contributions and Congressional gerrymandering. (Jameson)

—Riding a broomstick is the most action they've gotten in three weeks. (Matt)

—Most of their spells are used to get their kids to quiet the hell down for five damn minutes. (Joe)

—"He who must not be named" is now erectile dysfunction. (Dan)

—Ron is always talking about where to get the cheapest gasoline. (Mike)

—More and more instances where watching quidditch on TV is vastly preferable to going out and playing it themselves. (Brandon)

—Turns out Neville Longbottom is getting hella laid. (Tenessa)

—All the spells the characters used to think they liked suddenly don't seem as cool to them anymore. (Jameson)

—More kale, less gluten. (Joe)

—Diagon Alley has been replaced by Bed, Bath & Beyond and Dick's Sporting Goods. (Dan)

—Harry spends most of his time tweeting "wand pics". (Mike)

—Less time spent enjoying butterbeer, more time spent trying to get rid of their butterbeerbelly. (Brandon)

—Harry casts spells to protect his ears from House of Cards spoilers. (Jameson)

—Voldemort has mellowed considerably; mostly just hassles Harry and his friends using his position as vice president of the condo board. (Joe)

—They've all been discreetly treated for embarrassing cases of "Hog Warts". (Dan)

—They suddenly know all the words to a bunch of Bob Seger songs. (Jameson)

—While there are certainly benefits to working at Enterprise Rent-A-Car, admittedly, it isn't exactly what Draco Malfoy was hoping to be doing fifteen years after graduation. (Matt)

—Harry uses his invisibility cloak to poop without getting interrupted by his kids every five goddamn seconds. (Mike)

—Dementors have been replaced by soulless student loan debt collectors. (Brandon)

—All the magic in the world can't help sales of Robin Thicke's new album. (Dan)

—Masturbation is less of a fun thrill and more of a sad, lonely necessity. (Jameson)

—They now refer to dairy as a "death eater". (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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