POOP READING
Jun 27, 2014

This weekend marks the premiere of the HBO show The Leftovers, which imagines life in the aftermath of a global, rapture-like event, and focuses on the people who were left behind. And while the show will deal with themes of loss and abandonment, not being raptured can have its upsides too...

Great Things About Being "Left Behind"

—You don't have to get off the couch. (Tenessa)

—No more rules equals no more pants. (Dan)

—Instant political progress on abortion rights, gay marriage, and climate change. (Brandon)

—[Fingers crossed, scanning horizon] "No Randall from Marketing, no Randall from Marketing... whew!" (Matt)

—Less likely that people will walk in on you as you masturbate. (Mike)

—All the girls around are sluts. (Jameson)

—You might finally have a shot with your hot neighbor lady once she runs out of clean drinking water. (Tenessa)

—No more worrying IF you'll be left behind. (Dan)

—You can fart in church with impunity. (Mike)

—All Chick-Fil-A franchises become empty warehouses where you can loot chicken sandwiches. (Brandon)

—With all those preachy haters gone, our dystopian future becomes a lot more FUNtopian! (Tenessa)

—Would rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints (Billy Joel only). (Mike)

—You can have sex with a jar of mayonaise while pouring motor oil on a kitten and telling your neighbor to eat a shit pie. What'll happen, you get double left behind? (Matt)

—Satisfaction in knowing Kirk Cameron was right. (Dan)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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