May 23, 2014

Target announced this week that its first quarter profits for 2014 dropped 16%, as the retailer is still trying to recover from last year's data breach, both in terms of lost sales and cleanup expenses. What can Target do to lure shoppers back to its stores?

Ways Target Plans to Win Back Customers

—If your identity gets stolen, they will steal a new identity for you. (Brandon)

—A $5 Walmart gift card with every purchase. (Tenessa)

—A prize drawing to win a free trip to the real Archer Farms! (Dan)

—They'll stop selling Molasshoes, their line of shoes filled with molassess, and start selling Shoelassess, their shoe-flavored molassess spread. (Matt)

—It goes without saying that there will be "hashtags" involved. (Jameson)

—Will stop the unpopular practice of running customers' Social Security numbers ticker-style across the bottom of all the TV screens in the electronics department. (Mike)

—Put Osama bin Laden's face behind the "target" in their logo. USA! USA! USA! (Joe)

—In addition to pharmacy and optical services, they're adding pet grooming, tarot readings, and a two-minute handjob kiosk. (Tenessa)

—Saying mean things about Hillary Clinton. (Jameson)

—Adding a "Let It Go" pavilion where parents can drop off their children so that they can sing songs from Frozen somewhere else for a fucking change. (Mike)

—By encouraging HBO-style graphic violence, nudity, and strong sexual content amongst the employees. (Brandon)

—High-class shopping escorts. (Dan)

—Will stop telling customers to "eat a dick" when they refuse to sign up for a REDcard. (Matt)

—If you fart while you are in the checkout line, the nearest Target employee will take the blame. (Mike)

—Reminding them that if they shop at Walmart, they risk losing something far more important than their identity and credit score. (Jameson)

—Less diversity. (Tenessa)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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