May 30, 2014

This week, Google showed off a prototype of a new self-driving car the company is developing. The small, two-passenger vehicle doesn't have a steering wheel or accelerator/brake pedals – you just get in and push buttons for your destination. Of course, this concept ushers in a whole new set of benefits and concerns...

Pros and Cons of Google's Self-Driving Car

—Is also a self-backseat-driving car. (Jameson)

—No back seat to change your pants in after you shit them multiple times during your first drive on the freeway. (Matt)

—Inexplicably has a "Plow through a farmers market and run over a bunch of folks" button for confused, near-sighted old people. (Joe)

—Had to cross "Be a good father" off my bucket list in order to make room for "Have sex in a moving, self-driving car." (Mike)

—Put your cell phone in the car, start a Bluetooth call with it through the speakers, order and pay for fast food online or with a fast food mobile app, and send the car to the drive-thru, and suddenly you no longer have to go pick up your own food. (Brandon)

—If you Google "Google's self-driving car" while riding in the self-driving car, you will implode. (Dan)

—In testing, the robotic "road head" feature has resulted in scratches, second-degree burns, and some deaths. (Jameson)

—Any time you say "Yahoo", regardless of context, it sprays you with cat urine. (Matt)

—Reads every book on tape, no matter what it is, in the voice of legendary film producer Robert Evans. To be clear, that's one giant goddamn "pro." (Joe)

—Less likely Jay Leno will die in a car accident if Google is driving for him. (Mike)

—Can't get it to stop short, so there goes your one move with the ladies... (Brandon)

—Just like a man, the car won't stop and ask for directions. It just keeps driving until the battery runs out. (Jameson)

—Will string together new and entertaining curse word combinations when stuck in traffic. (Matt)

—Significantly safer and easier to masturbate while driving. (Joe)

—Car's driving style is modeled after Justin Bieber's. (Mike)

—How can you possibly compensate for your shortcomings when your car looks and drives like everyone else's?? (Brandon)

—Hates Jews. (Jameson)

—I don't know whether this is a pro or a con, or how it's even possible, but Kenny Loggins comes with every fifth car. (Matt)

—Horn can be programmed to honk the "Aaah-OOOO-gah!" noise whenever you see a sexy dame. (Joe)

—You no longer have to pretend to look at the road every so often while you text. (Mike)

—Still have to walk to and from car like a sucker. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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