POOP READING
May 16, 2014

Legendary broadcast journalist and television personality Barbara Walters stepped down as host of The View this week, and while she will remain an executive producer of the show, she is effectively retiring after 53 years on the air as an anchor, reporter, and correspondent. But there are still some goals left to check off of her to-do list...

Items on Barbara Walters's Retirement Bucket List

—Find a cure for being Elisabeth Hasselbeck. (Matt)

—Finally do it with the three U.S. Presidents she never got to (Pierce, both Harrisons). (Joe)

—Play one game as the long snapper for the Jets. (Brandon)

—Outlive that bitch Betty White. (Mike)

—Nurture upcoming journalistic talents like Sherri Shepherd. (Jameson)

—Make whoopee with Whoopi. (Dan)

—Learn how to say "no" in Spanish. (Matt)

—Try an interview without having the camera lenses on soft focus. (Mike)

—Produce TV special America's Most Fascinating Buckets. (Dan)

—Eat a decadent, chocolate-covered baby. (Matt)

—Finally listen to some of this "rock 'n' roll" music that she's been hearing so much about. (Joe)

—Drink the jar of Henry Kissinger's back sweat she's been saving since 1974. (Mike)

—Basic Instinct a high rise window washer. (Matt)

—Gut punch Oprah. (Dan)

—Finally go on a date with Mickey Roon– he what?? Oh, umm... (Matt)

—Visit Mickey Rooney's grave. (Matt)

—Reluctantly fulfill her promise to Hugh Downs and join him in the production of his pointless and inexplicably graphic play, "Hindsight Ain't the Only Thing That's 20/20, If You Catch My Drift (I'm Talking About the Number of Chicks I've Doinked)." (Brandon)

—Trim her pubes, just once, to look like Gene Shalit's mustache. (Matt)

—Pronounce the letter "R" correctly. (Mike)

—Watch all of Schindler's List without laughing. (Matt)

—Interview Larry King while he interviews her and watch the world fold in on itself. (Dan)

—Boondoggle a hillbilly. (Matt)

—Never retire, die on camera while interviewing The Most Fascinating Person of 2031 (Suri Cruise). (Mike)

—Yell at a lemur. (Matt)

—Finally get mentioned in a Baron von Funny list. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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