Apr 4, 2014

This week, Russian President Vladimir Putin finalized his divorce from his wife of 30 years, Lyudmila. That means one of the world's most powerful leaders is back on the dating market – but before you pursue him, ladies, you should know a little about what he likes...

Vladimir Putin Turn-Ons

—Invading through your unprotected flank. (Mike)

—Getting away with shit Syria can't. (Jameson)

—Raging clitoris erections (specific to Soviet-era, steroid-enhanced female Olympians). (Matt)

—Long walks on the backs of an oppressed populace. (Joe)

—At some point, women named Lyudmila, apparently. (Brandon)

—Unsafe drinking water. (Tenessa)

—Hosting the Olympics while being ill-prepared. So hot! (Dan)

—Role-playing the moment when a staffer will whisper in his ear that Yakov Smirnoff has finally been killed. (Mike)

—Bears, tanks, and shirtless tank bears. (Jameson)

—Anything written by Dickens. (Matt)

—Must love executing stray dogs. (Joe)

—Having sex in a hall of mirrors while his partner wears a Putin mask so that he can be surrounded by Putins having sex with Putins. (Mike)

—Surprisingly, Edward Norton as the Hulk. (Jameson)

—Pregnant mules with huge titties. (Matt)

—Withering glares that make you pee your pants a little. (Brandon)

Designing Women reruns. (Mike)

—Kardashians. So watch out, every other rich guy! (Jameson)

—A woman who knows how to handle a horse, because he's hung... up on proper equine care. (Matt)

—Ejaculating on a cracker, something he likes to call "Putin on the Ritz." (Dan)

—Long walks on a beach that he is about to annex. (Mike)

—An anteater's tongue. (Matt)

—That Smurfs episode where Smurfette has a cold. (Jameson)

—For a homophobe, he sure does favor bulky gals with prominent jawlines. (Joe)

—Gut punching the elderly. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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