POOP READING
Apr 11, 2014

Several times a year, an internet video goes "viral" and gains widespread attention, getting shared through social media and email. But for every one that catches on with the public, there are countless others that don't have what it takes to get noticed...

Signs That Your Internet Video Probably Isn't Going to Go Viral

—Your Rube Goldberg contraption doesn't ultimately lead to a guy getting hit in the crotch by something. (Matt)

—It contains nothing but Rake spoilers. Nobody wants Rake spoilers! (Joe)

—Most of the jokes are lost on anyone without a thorough familiarity with the writings of Kierkegaard. (Jameson)

—It's just nine minutes of Sam Waterston calmly eating shrimp. (Brandon)

—While it's called "Accounting Tips" (good), it's actually a video examining the tips of accountants' penises (bad). (Mike)

—The 33-minute instrumental intro tends to lose most people. (Jameson)

—If you've seen one hippopotamus diarrhea video, you've seen them all. (Matt)

—It features "Dustin Bieber" and "Ke¢ha." (Joe)

—The world hasn't exactly been clamoring for a show where your Uncle Larry rates the boobs of women he saw at the post office on a scale of 1-10 boners. (Brandon)

—Time-lapses are awesome and sunsets are awesome, but a time-lapse of you watching Before Sunset is less awesome. (Jameson)

—It contains a lengthy, spirited defense of laserdiscs. (Mike)

—Your sock puppet is cute until it goes off on that Holocaust denial rant at the 1:47 mark. (Matt)

—"You left the lens cap on again, Lenny!" is probably a funnier catchphrase to your wife than it is to the whole internet. (Jameson)

—You accidentally deleted it from your phone before you posted it online so now you're just going door-to-door and acting it out for people, and then telling them to act it out for all of their friends. (Joe)

—Why would you think anyone would want to watch Mickey Rooney's corpse being embalmed?? (Brandon)

—It spills NSA secrets, has naked pictures of the First Lady, and violates several Sony Pictures copyrights. (Jameson)

—It's just an unedited, unnarrated, extreme close-up of that weird mole on your back. (Mike)

—Your version of "Dick in a Box" is footage of a withered horse penis found in a discarded Amazon package on the side of the road. (Brandon)

—Cat too wacky/not wacky enough. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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