Poop Reading - Reasons We're Not Drowning as Often as We Used To

Reasons We're Not Drowning as Often as We Used To

—Rise in number of hipsters wearing life jackets ironically. (Dan)

—Most of us are dying from heart attacks, strokes, drunk driving accidents, or complications from diabetes long before we have a chance to drown. (Tenessa)

—It's been several decades since Subway's unfortunate "Eat a sub underwater!" tie-in ad campaign with The Hunt for Red October. (Brandon)

—Why swim when I can Wii swim or iSwim or sit on the couch and live tweet watching others swim on TV? (Mike)

—A strict adherence to the "no swimming for an hour after eating" rule coupled with Americans' inability to go more than 59 minutes without eating. (Matt)

—Shrinking audiences for Drowning with the Stars and So You Think You Can Drown? mean the whole craze is less hip. (Jameson)

—It's not like you're ever going to bring your phone into the water with you, and it's not like you're ever going to stop looking at your phone. (Joe)

—Now mostly filling our backyard pools with Doritos. (Brandon)

—Government conspiracy to keep more people alive who can then be forced to buy Obamacare. (Mike)

—So many people are drowning in debt, they have little free time to engage in any activities that might result in real drowning. (Matt)

—Fewer people are willing to leave a world that has Liam from One Direction in it. (Joe)

—Because Aquaman has been fucking everything that moves for the last 70 years, many of us have the ability to breathe underwater. (Dan)

—Being morbidly obese makes us extra floaty. (Mike)

—Drowning teens are being rescued after sending selfies to their friends with the caption "OMG! I am SO drowning right now!" (Matt)

—We're more into being bitten by poisonous wildlife these days. (Brandon)

—Fear of Sharknado has driven folks further inland than ever. (Tenessa)

—Apple bobbing app far less dangerous than actual apple bobbing. (Jameson)

—Years of young males' careful attention to David Hasselhoff's water safety television program finally paid off. (Mike)

—If swimming leads to being a huge tool like Michael Phelps, it's not worth it. (Joe)

—Panicky mothers dressing up their children in scuba gear every day. (Matt)

—Too busy drowning in savings at JCPenney's Easter Weekend Blowout! (Brandon)

—Don't want to give Gayle in accounting the satisfaction. Fuck you, Gayle! I didn't drown! (Mike)

—Most of us are witches. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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Reasons We're Not Drowning as Often as We Used To