Baron von Funny


Feb 14, 2014

The 2014 Winter Olympics opened in Sochi, Russia last weekend, but not without some infrastructure hiccups. Most notably, three hotels housing accredited media members had numerous issues, including unfinished rooms with missing furniture or amenities like shower curtains, no running water, or discolored, undrinkable water. But the list of problems doesn't end there...

Other Problems with the Hotels in Sochi

—"Fresh" towels are simply ones taken from the floor of the bathroom next door. (Mike)

—The energy-saving light fixtures only turn on from 10:00 a.m. to 11:00 a.m. (Tenessa)

—The pools are filled with snakes and crackers. (Brandon)

—Some parking lots end at a blank wall with a note taped to it that reads "I.O.U. 1 Hotel". (Jameson)

—Housekeeping staff keeps insisting that everyone refer to linens as Lenins. (Matt)

—The only things that WERE completed were the shirtless Putin paintings. (Dan)

—Hotel room doors on even-numbered floors will not open with any key; doors on odd floors all open with the same key. (Jameson)

—Open hole to poop in leads directly to "Chocolate Fountain Pavilion" in lobby. (Mike)

—The elevators go sideways. (Matt)

—"Room service" is just a frozen Lean Cuisine thrown through your window like a brick. (Brandon)

—Carpeting ends three feet before the wall; wall ends three feet below the ceiling; ceiling is just toilet paper and Soviet-era pamphlets. (Jameson)

—When you ask the front desk for "wireless internet," someone comes to your room and cuts the cable cord and says, "There, is wireless." (Mike)

—Some might find the $8 bottles of pure Polish tears off-putting. (Matt)

—The eyes of the paintings in the lobby follow you. Worse, they look exactly like Bob Costas's eyes. (Jameson)

—The turn-down service features Junior mints instead of Andes mints. WTF? (Tenessa)

—All the bearskin rugs are still alive; Putin put them down with a sleeper hold, but forgot to return and finish them off. (Jameson)

—Non-Russian athletes receive a wake-up call every 45 seconds from 1:00 a.m. to 6:00 a.m. (Mike)

—While the bidets are technically functional, they use vodka rather than water. (Matt)

—Yep, their hotel lobbies play Adele on a constant loop, too. (Jameson)

—If you say "Beetlejuice" three times, not only does Michael Keaton NOT appear, but an old, naked Russian dude DOES, and he sprays "beetle juice" (horse urine) on you. (Brandon)

—Check-in desks are just a pile of room keys at the bottom of a tank of piranhas. (Jameson)

—The carpets do match the drapes, but both are made out of pubes and human hair. (Matt)

—Hotels overrun with drunken, carousing accredited media members. (Jameson)

—In Sochi, hotels sleep in YOU. (Dan)

—Grand Opening: March 1, 2014. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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