Jan 31, 2014

President Barack Obama delivered his State of the Union Address earlier this week, giving the country a preview of his future agenda, which includes raising the minimum wage and expanding to universal pre-K. But his list of pledges also went in some unexpected directions...

Unusual Promises Made by President Obama During the State of the Union Address

—Will finally get around to fixing that leaky toilet in the Oval Office. (Dan)

—Kept saying he was going to "approve the Keystone Pipeline" later that evening while grabbing his crotch and winking suggestively at attractive women in the audience. (Joe)

—That not only will the Broncos cover the spread in the Super Bowl, but Denver cornerback Champ Bailey will gently nurse a sick baby deer back to health at midfield during a 3rd quarter timeout. (Brandon)

—Remember all those cars Oprah gave away? He's going to RE-give them RE-away! (Tenessa)

—Plans to eliminate the memorization of all dates and names from public school by 2015 (or whatever year). (Jameson)

—"If it's nice tomorrow, we can have government outside." (Joe)

—Forget about flu vaccine shots, and get ready for flu vaccine chili! (Brandon)

—He'll take off one article of clothing for every 1,000 people who sign up for Obamacare. (Dan)

—In protest of Russia's anti-gay policies, Obama vowed to pull the "homosayswhat" trick on Vladimir Putin the next time they meet. (Joe)

—Shutting down all programs related to the development of flying cars; focusing on the more realistic goal of planes that drive on the highway. (Jameson)

—That we shall never again speak of that period during the fifth season of The Dukes of Hazzard when Tom Wopat and John Schneider went on strike and the producers filmed episodes featuring their "cousins" Coy and Vance Duke. (Brandon)

—Will perform each of Ravishing Rick Rude's signature moves on John Boehner before his term is up. (Tenessa)

—Personally pledged to "paint any car for $99.95" (Joe)

—Promised not to hold a State of the Union address next year. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

© poopreading.com, all rights reserved – advertising info