POOP READING
Jan 24, 2014

The winter of 2013-14 has been especially harsh, with frequent snowstorms and heavy doses of below zero temps, and it appears that many Americans have finally reached their breaking point...

Signs That Winter Is Breaking People's Spirit

—People have moved from posting pictures of the current temperature for their Facebook status updates to posting pictures of the casket they plan to buy. (Mike)

—Most people barely have the energy to blame the lousy weather on Obama. (Jameson)

—Middle-aged white sportswriters are worried that next weekend's outdoor Super Bowl will leave their fingers so frostbitten, they won't be able to type out thinly-veiled, racist missives against Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman. (Joe)

—John Larroquette isn't even bothering to come peep in anybody's window any more. (Matt)

—Marked increase in sales of Ben & Jerry's "Chocolate Suicide". (Brandon)

—Our two-year-old finally let us put on her fucking gloves. (Mike)

—Roving gangs of thermometer-punching teens. (Jameson)

—It's so blisteringly, unbearably cold throughout so much of the country that some people are actually contemplating staying inside on Thursday night and watching Sean Saves the World on NBC. (Joe)

—Desperate to escape the cold, and disappointed to find that Florida is not hot enough, many people are attempting to catapult themselves into the sun. (Matt)

—Instead of eating and drinking, most Super Bowl parties are going to be centered around games of Russian roulette. (Brandon)

—Instead of a polite chuckle and continuing on their way when some scamp asks "Cold enough for ya?", people are now pulling down that guy's pants and immobilizing him until his dick freezes off (approximately 12 seconds). (Mike)

—The GOP can't even muster the energy to make fun of "polar vortex". (Jameson)

—Instead of pee-writing their names into the snow, little boys everywhere are spelling out "Take me now, Lord." (Joe)

—When asked "paper or plastic?" at the grocery store, more and more customers are responding with the Samuel L. Jackson Bible passage monologue from Pulp Fiction. (Brandon)

—They're going to hold the Winter Olympics in Russia. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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