Jan 10, 2014

With Father Time having once again passed the baton to Baby New Year, we take a moment to remember the year gone by...

Memorable Moments from 2013 That May Not Have Actually Happened

—Bruno Mars is revealed to be the unlikely love child of Bruno Kirby and Veronica Mars. (Tenessa)

—William and Kate, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, give birth to the musician Prince, who weighs in at 62 inches and 125 pounds. (Brandon)

—Every website developed worked perfectly upon its launch, with no noteworthy exceptions. (Mike)

—Reality TV star Phil Robertson is suspended by A&E after playing a homophobic Minnesota-based children's game called Duck, Duck, Gay Duck. (Joe)

—As a fun summer prank, President Obama and John Kerry make up a place called Syria, threaten to blow it up, and then pretend to decide not to. (Jameson)

—Daft Punk unmask, reveal they are both Ashton Kutcher, change name to Daft Punk'd. (Dan)

—Noting the growing popularity of Google Glass, the internet giant also develops Google Ass – the Google Glass app that lets you see beautiful asses all the time while making it look like you are poring over speadsheets. (Mike)

—In a surprise vote, the Vatican's papal conclave's "King Ralph Fan Club" faction elects John Goodman as pope. (Joe)

—I ate all the cheese. ALL OF IT. (Tenessa)

—Lennay Kukua, the dead girlfriend of Notre Dame linebacker and Heisman Trophy candidate Manti T'eo, is revealed to be a hoax perpetrated by actor Joaquin Phoenix. (Brandon)

—Edward Snowden becomes an outlaw and a pariah overnight when he leaks thousands of pages of documents that reveal the ending of Breaking Bad. (Jameson)

—The Minnesota Timberwolves set an NBA record by never blowing a lead in the 4th quarter. (Mike)

—New Jersey governor Chris Christie begins secretly performing a cross-dressing burlesque act as "Hurricane Sandi." (Joe)

—In a touching episode of The Voice, Christina Aguillera's boobs sing a duet with Cee Lo Green's boobs. (Matt)

—Those eggheads in Washington were at it again. (Dan)

—Walt Disney is unfrozen and reanimated in order to play a likable, notably less anti-Semitic version of himself in a movie. (Mike)

—That whole inauguration thing. Don't worry, Mitt Romney's totally the president. (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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