POOP READING
Dec 13, 2013

Mega Millions, the U.S. lottery game that's available in 43 states, will grow to a jackpot of $400M on Friday, December 13th, the second-largest prize drawing in its history. That kind of money could have a dramatic affect on the winner's life...

Things You Could Do with $400M

—Film eight minutes of a Michael Bay Transformers movie. (Jameson)

—Sucker punch kittens and the elderly with impunity! (Brandon)

—Support your addiction to having sex with fine art. (Matt)

—Have your butt sponsor a NASCAR driver, so that on the side of his car, there would just be a picture of your butt. (Dan)

—Pay off about 1/3 of my gambling debts. (Mike)

—If you're a Broncos fan, you could pay a hypnotist to convince Peyton Manning that it's always above 50 degrees. (Joe)

—Close 23 schools and build a prison. (Tenessa)

—Buy George Washington's wooden tongue for use in your period piece porno about the Delaware River crossing. (Matt)

—Hire an accountant skilled enough to help you avoid paying taxes on $400 million. (Jameson)

—Step 1: Build rocket.
Step 2: Use rocket to transport Ann Coulter to the moon.
Step 3: Burn rocket. (Brandon)

—Cover maybe half the cost of a glitchy government health care website. (Joe)

—Finally make the jump from cassettes to CDs. (Dan)

—Get your idea for an Ed Asner-Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy greenlit. (Matt)

—Give every American one dollar, and still have 86 million to offer Elizabeth Banks for one night, no questions asked. (Mike)

—Fuck it, all 400 million for Elizabeth Banks! (Mike)

—Pay 20 million people $20 per hour to rub your feet for an hour, or pay one guy $20 per hour to rub your feet for 20 million hours. (Jameson)

—Develop that idea you've always had for the Motolet: the motorcycle that's also a toilet! (Brandon)

—Build a vodka waterpark. (Matt)

—"If I am ever served another piece of food that isn't sculpted to look like an exact scale replica of Jennifer Lawrence's torso, all of you people will immediately become not only jobless, but completely unhireable." (Joe)

—Pay someone to spoon* you on command. (*Spooning is a rich guy thing where other dudes hit your penis with golden spoons.) (Dan)

—Buy the Jacksonville Jaguars and force them to play as if they were figures in that old vibrating electric football game. (Matt)

—Desolate the living shit out of Smaug. (Joe)

—Feed a family in need with meals from Whole Foods for an entire week. (Matt)

—Kate Hudson, probably. (Jameson)

—Buy 400 million more lotto tickets! I might hit the big one! (Dan)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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