Nov 22, 2013

Thanksgiving is a time for reflection, gratitude, and turkey, and most Americans are serving up heaping helpings of all three...

Things Americans Are Thankful For

—Speed bumps! Those things are the best! (Dan)

—Football, and everything it does to promote zero talking after the lunchtime kickoff. (Matt)

—Big ol' titties. (Joe)

—Waistbands as elastic as their views on gay marriage and pot. (Brandon)

—The new Thank4 app, which suggests things to be thankful for, thus freeing them up to eat or search for jobs. (Jameson)

—Retailers who understand that opening their doors on Thanksgiving to sell a 75-inch flatscreen for 11 cents is more important than letting employees spend time with family. (Mike)

—The much-anticipated Playgirl spread of former U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. (Matt)

—Getting to play the Raiders on Thanksgiving. (Dallas Cowboys only) (Joe)

—We're still the undisputed world leader in food stuffed inside of other food. (Brandon)

—Fewer Chupacabra attacks this year than any year in recent memory. (Jameson)

—That somehow Christmas is starting BEFORE Thanksgiving now! (Dan)

—That even on the 50th anniversary of JFK's assassination, I can shamelessly promote this joke of mine from the July 16, 2010 Baron von Funny list, "American Secrets Discovered by the Russian Spies": It wasn't Lee Harvey Oswald's bullet that partially decapitated JFK, it was the mind-blowing handjob he'd just gotten from Jackie O. (Matt)

—The Hunger Games aren't real. Yet. (Joe)

—Being clearly not as psychologically damaged and emotionally crippled as the people that represent them in Congress. (Brandon)

—Gravy. (Jameson)

—And books about gravy. (Matt)

—The mayor who best embodies most negative international stereotypes about Americans – obese, drugged-up, sex-obsessed, loutish, sweaty – happens to be Canadian. (Joe)

—That the Obamacare website fiasco is distracting everyone from noticing how lousy Modern Family has become. (ABC, Steven Levitan, and Christopher Lloyd only) (Brandon)

—At least two more months until the next looming federal shutdown! (Jameson)

—Still getting hard-ons while reading Wuthering Heights, even after all these years. (Matt)

—VHS copies of Meet Joe Black are perfect for chucking at pesky neighborhood raccoons. (Brandon)

—Hot cousins, and the ever-reliable supply of more hot cousins to come. (Jameson)

—People who are terrible at hurdles. (Matt)

—Vanicream, the ointment that moisturizes while gradually dissolving away unwanted genitals! (Brandon)

—Beer, duh. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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