Nov 1, 2013

Thursday was Halloween, the most glorious, candy-filled night of the year. But sometimes, when kids get home and open their bag full of goodies, they find a few things they didn't expect...

Surprising Items Found in Kids' Treat Bags This Halloween

—Red Sox beard trimmings. (Jameson)

—A leather-bound transcript of Ted Cruz's Obamacare filibuster. (Mike)

—Sexy Nurse brand suppositories. (Brandon)

—Three human toes. Which is weird because one toe? Sure. Five toes? Makes sense, obviously. But three toes? Why three toes? (Joe)

—Oh my god, the dildos! (Dan)

—Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pills (TM). (Tenessa)

—A pistol and a bloody shirt. (Matt)

—A hand-written screed by Robert Reich about the critical errors we're making with our economy. (Jameson)

—Tons of free AOL minutes. (Dan)

—Super ChocoBerryBlast Katniss and Elphaba Cross-Promotional ProSnackAttacks for Girlz! (Mike)

—The real killers. (FINALLY) (Brandon)

—A portal to another dimension where kids are the candy. (Jameson)

—Robin Thicke's Blurred Red Vines. (Dan)

—A hotel key stuck to a note that says "For your Mommy". (Mike)

—An original manuscript entitled "Charlemagne's Beard". (Jameson)

—Severed heads from Mexican drug cartels. (Dan)

—Merle Haggard. (Brandon)

—USB drives filled with pictures of candy. (Dan)

—A note from some crank who decided that a crusade against obesity on the one day of the year we collectively sanction massive sugar intake is better than reforming school lunch programs, teaching healthy eating and exercise, and paying for preventative medical care. (Mike)

—The scariest Halloween item of all: a slip of paper with each child's personal share of the national debt written on it. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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