Oct 4, 2013

The United States federal government was shut down this week as Congress was unable to pass a funding bill due to a disagreement over defunding or delaying the Affordable Care Act. There have been many reports that suggest the shutdown is being driven largely by a group of 80 or so House Republicans – dubbed the "Suicide Caucus" by conservative commentator Charles Krauthammer – who oppose Obamacare. But their demands don't stop there...

Additional Demands of the GOP "Suicide Caucus"

—Must defund Obamacare and also be happy about it. (Dan)

—All House Republicans must wear the same red Nike tennis shoes. (Mike)

—Want to be called the "Suicide Cocks", sounds more badass. (Brandon)

—We're still not seeing nearly enough of Oliver Platt. (Joe)

—Free healthcare for ants; immediate public executions of all aunts. (Jameson)

—$100M to fund research looking into what's up with Miley Cyrus's tongue. (Dan)

—The official motto on U.S. currency shifts from "In God We Trust" to "In GOP We Trust". (Mike)

—Harry Reid has to run up the Capitol steps wearing nothing but a "Nobamacare" diaper. (Brandon)

—"Suicide Caucus" tattoos covered under Obamacare. (Dan)

—Any Continuing Resolution must include "No Poop Wednesdays" to save water. (Mike)

—No more NFL teams wearing the same color pants and jerseys. That looks idiotic. (Joe)

—Somebody MUST hire Tim Tebow. (Dan)

—When your spouse says "fine," he or she is now legally bound to tell you whether the "fine" meant "that sounds fine," or "go fuck yourself." (Mike)

—Pittsburgh Pirates must win the World Series. (The Suicide Caucus may be a bunch of pricks, but they're not heartless monsters.). (Brandon)

—Copyright of "Suicide Caucus" so that nobody can use it as a band name. (Dan)


—Two-year moratorium on any and all Breaking Bad spoilers, so people who are just now finding out what all the fuss is about can catch up. (Joe)

—No more black presidents. (Mike)

—Must love dogs. (Dan)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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