Baron von Funny


Sep 6, 2013

Over the weekend, 64-year-old Diana Nyad became the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida without a shark cage or swim fins, swimming from Havana to Key West. The journey took her 53 hours to complete, which is an awfully long time to be in the water...

Pros and Cons of Swimming for 53 Hours

—No Breaking Bad spoilers. (Jameson)

—When someone says "I'm tired," you get to say "Oh yeah? Are you swimming for 53 hours tired?" (Mike)

—Salt water goes in, painful, crystalized sea salt poops come out. (Matt)

—If you listen to your mom, it means at least 54 hours of not eating. (Joe)

—You get to call Magnum, P.I. a wuss because he only swam for 24 hours in that classic episode. Wuss. (Dan)

—You burn approximately 24,380 calories, which is just enough to allow you to eat lunch at Burger King. (Brandon)

—You can pee any time you want, unlike filibustering the Texas State Senate. (Jameson)

—You can't hear your kids whining about how they don't have the right color fork. (Mike)

—Finding out after you've already left the water that if you had swam for 4 more hours, you would've won a lifetime supply of Heinz 57 sauce. (Matt)

—Good way to pass the time while waiting for your number to be called at the DMV. (Brandon)

—Get to stick it to all of those chumps who expressed skepticism over the veracity of your sweet "I'd Rather Be Swimming" bumper sticker. (Joe)

—Pickled privates. (Dan)

—Increased chance of running into James Cameron. (Matt)

—Go in the water looking like Ryan Gosling, come out looking like Keith Richards. (Brandon)

—No transvaginal ultrasound required! (Jameson)

—When the current changes, you end up swallowing a surprising amount of your own urine. (Mike)

—Drinking a V8 would've had the same health benefits, and drinking an entire V8 might actually be more of an accomplishment. (Matt)

—Free sushi. (Brandon)

—Having to swim 53 more hours to get back to where you parked. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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