Sep 27, 2013

The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, often referred to as Obamacare, will begin to take effect in the coming months, with open enrollment for insurance exchanges starting on October 1st, and most major provisions of the law set to be phased in by January 2014. Opinions of the law are still strongly divided, and a closer look at the fine print reveals many ways that the daily lives of Americans will change...

Lesser-Known Provisions of the Affordable Care Act

—The lowest-premium, highest-quality plans will only be available to those who survive a Hunger Games-style open enrollment period showdown. (Matt)

—In a secret agreement with Republicans to cut costs, every fifth flu shot will really just be lemon-lime Gatorade. (Mike)

—"An apple a day" will now be all that physicians are legally allowed to receive as compensation for their work. (Joe)

—CNN's Dr. Sanjay Gupta gets to examine your penis whenever he wants. (Jameson)

—Once you sign up, you are legally required to let Senator Ted Cruz come to your house and filibuster you and your family for up to 24 hours straight. (Brandon)

—The only pre-existing condition not covered is Tea Party-ism. (Dan)

—Government death panels may be called upon to kill an elderly person by saying "Obamacare" three times in a row into a mirror. (Matt)

—Free psychiatric care for any and all Television Academy members who voted to give the Best Actor in a Drama Emmy to Jeff Daniels for The Newsroom. (Joe)

—If you own a small business with fewer than 50 employees, you are not required to provide healthcare; for more than 50 employees, you must provide healthcare. Exactly 50 employees: you win a car! (Jameson)

—Bieber Fever is covered until you are 14, then you have to pay out-of-pocket for your pills. (Mike)

—Playing cricket in a weekly recreation league will get you a discount on your premium. Playing Davy Crockett in weekly historical reenactments will not. (Matt)

—Head injuries will be referred to the National Football League, which will simply proclaim that the patient does not have a head injury. (Joe)

—Americans under age 26 may stay on their parents' healthcare coverage, but not on their parents' couch, Doug! (Jameson)

—Mileage reimbursement will be available to individuals who must travel more than 75 miles to receive government-approved, therapeutic handjobs. (Matt)

—Reading Facebook will be officially categorized as "light to moderate exercise". (Jameson)

—If you participate in the insurance exchanges, you can request regular updates on Jennifer Aniston's pregnancy status. (Mike)

—You can keep your family doctor, but any procedure deemed funnier if a monkey did it must then be performed by a monkey. (Matt)

—If you like Cheetos, make sure and eat your fill before October 1, is all I'm saying. (Jameson)

—Anyone whose condition is less than critical will be directed to Web MD. That's Dr. Donald Web, M.D., of Overland Park, Kansas. Don't worry; he's really good. (Joe)

—As part of signing up for an approved plan, every person will receive a "Healthy Lifestyle!" poster depicting President Obama dunking a basketball. (Matt)

—Abortions will be prohibited unless accompanied by a transvaginal ultrasound, while Lasik surgery will be prohibited unless accompanied by an abortion. (Jameson)

—You can choose affordable or care, but not both. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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