Baron von Funny


Jul 12, 2013

On June 26th, New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez was arrested on charges of first-degree murder in the shooting death of an acquaintance of his. The news came as a shock at the time, but in the weeks since then, friends, teammates, and others have come to realize that there were many warning signs that they missed...

Warning Signs People Missed That Aaron Hernandez Might Be a Murderer

—Business card said, "Aaron Hernandez: Tight End, Murderer." (Mike)

—Kept using murder as an adjective, like "What a murderful day!" and "This sandwich tastes a little murder-y". (Brandon)

—All-time favorite movie? Hope Floats. All-time favorite movie of 95% of eventual murderers? Hope Floats. (Joe)

—His name unscrambles to Andean Razor Hen, Chile's most savage flightless fowl. (Jameson)

—Was named Most Likely to Murder by his high school classmates. (Dan)

—Loved showing off his multiple shovel sets to guests: the snow shovels, the dirt shovels, and the shallow grave shovels. (Mike)

—Was always intensely loyal to the "Murderer's Choice" brand of generic food products when shopping at the grocery store. (Brandon)

—During an off-season team workout, he engaged new Patriots quarterback Tim Tebow in a discussion about what Hernandez insisted on calling "The Nine Commandments." (Joe)

—The NFL was lagging behind its monthly murder quota, and his name was drawn from the hat. (Jameson)

—Was deeply disappointed after seeing the documentary Murderball. (Dan)

—Stubbornly refused to change his Facebook status update on "Post This if You Aren't a Murderer Day". (Mike)

—When playing Marry, Boff, Kill, would always add "then kill" to the end of his Marry and Boff choices. (Brandon)

—Like many people, when Hernandez became frustrated he would occasionally exclaim "I could kill somebody." Unlike many people, he would then give a straight-faced five-minute explanation of how he'd hide the body and get rid of all the evidence. (Joe)

—His quirky way of thanking people for a favor: "Just for that, I'm not gonna murder you." (Jameson)

—Always answered his phone by saying "Murder?" (Dan)

—Favorite comedy? Falling Down. (Mike)

—He always hesitated a little bit when the airline gate agent called for "passengers seated in zone four who are non-murderers" to begin boarding. (Jameson)

—Was a lifelong fan of Ray Lewis, and last year was thrilled to learn that Lewis also played football. (Brandon)

—After hearing Tom Brady have a small disagreement with Gisele about whether their child should wear shoes or sandals, Hernandez offered to "take care of it". (Mike)

—He once voted for a guy who's pro-choice, which is basically the same thing. (Jameson)

—Bumper sticker on his car: "Manslaughter Is for Jerks". (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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