Jun 21, 2013

This week, during discussion of a House of Representatives abortion bill, Texas Republican Congressman Michael Burgess (a former OB/GYN) claimed that if you watch sonograms of 15-week fetuses, you can see evidence of purposeful movements and feeling pleasure, adding that "If they're a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs." But Burgess's list of fetus observations doesn't stop at masturbation...

Other Things Rep. Michael Burgess Has Seen a Fetus Do

—Root for the Miami Heat for two weeks a year. (Jameson)

—Wink suggestively at him while it masturbates. (Matt)

—Tebowing. (Joe)

—Crawl back inside the womb after learning that its name was North West. (Brandon)

—Blow themselves while wrapping the cord around their neck for a more intense high. (Mike)

—Put that thing down right away. (Impossible, no human baby has ever done that.) (Jameson)

—Appear as a split-screen pundit on Fox News. (Brandon)

—That ball-twirling trick that seals do at the zoo. (Matt)

—Decide to be gay. (Jameson)

—Take Instagram pictures of the amniotic fluid that's providing its nutrients. (Joe)

—Vote to repeal Obamacare. We are now at a point where every human being, past, present, or future, has done this at least once. (Jameson)

—Perform that Samuel L. Jackson monologue from Deep Blue Sea, during which the fetus was somehow also eaten by a shark. (Brandon)

—Pretend not to be home when its mother calls. (Jameson)

—Order a Grande coffee, half coffee and half hot chocolate with a shot of espresso, three pumps of mocha, three pumps of caramel swirl, six creams, and six liquid sugars, and then not drink it because it wasn't sweet enough. (Matt)

—Pose for a regular sonogram, and then a "silly" one just for fun. (Joe)

—That thing where you lace your fingers together and twist your hands so when you wiggle your middle fingers... you know that thing? (Jameson)

—Perform an abortion. (Mike)

—Look skeptically at Dr. Burgess's medical credentials. (Jameson)

—Butt stuff. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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