Baron von Funny


May 3, 2013

This week, NBA player Jason Collins revealed that he is gay, making him the first male athlete in one of the four major professional sports (NBA, NFL, MLB, and NHL) to come out while still an active player. And while other NBA players have surprising personal details, they aren't nearly as newsworthy...

Less Groundbreaking Revelations About Other NBA Players

—Kobe Bryant? Probably a little too straight. (Joe)

—Every time Steph Curry drains a three-pointer, he pees a little. (Mike)

—Nuggets' center Kenneth Faried keeps a pecan pie in his dreadlocks in case a game goes into overtime. (Matt)

—Yao Ming is actually Chinese for "Yo, Ming!" (Dan)

—J.R. Smith will start lactating if you get him to say the word "frogurt". (Brandon)

—Shane Battier doesn't understand all the fuss about cilantro. (Jameson)

—While working as a pizza delivery boy in high school, Chris Bosh regularly carried more than $20. (Mike)

—The "J.J." in J.J. Reddick stands for "Janet Jones", as his parents are huge fans of the actress and have heard that her husband Wayne Gretzky played some hockey, too. (Mike)

—Every morning Carmelo Anthony laps oatmeal out of a birdbath with his tongue. (Matt)

—Michael Jordan was called "Air Jordan" not because he could jump so high, but because he was sexually attracted to air. That's why he always stuck his tongue out when he dunked. He was frenching the air. (Dan)

—Chandler Parsons calls his doctor every time he poops during daylight hours. (Jameson)

—Paul Pierce actually hates alliteration. (Mike)

—Celtics' center Fab Melo is neither fabulous nor all that mellow. (Brandon)

—Kevin Love's least favorite Beach Boy is his uncle, Mike Love, just like everyone else. (Dan)

—Charlotte guard Ramon Sessions just found out the Washington Wizards are an actual NBA team. (Jameson)

—Ray Allen considers himself to have two last names. (Mike)

—Tim Duncan is actually a couple white guys in blackface and stilts. (Matt)

—When the channel he is watching has problems and flashes the "Technical Difficulties – Please Stand By" sign, Jimmer Fredette gets up and literally stands next to his TV until the picture comes back. (Brandon)

—Thaddeus Young is as sick to death of that "We Are Young" song as the rest of us, if not more so. (Jameson)

—No matter what time the game starts or what he has eaten before, Minnesota center Nikola Pekovic needs a poop break between the 3rd and 4th quarters. (Mike)

—Dr. J was secretly an actual doctor for the CIA. If Doctors A through I were killed, he would have had to step in and provide his services in aid to his country. That didn't happen though. So he just played basketball and banged chicks and stuff. (Dan)

—Until just recently, Hedo Türkoğlu was thought by many to be a form of oral herpes. (Brandon)

—Pacers' guard George Hill did not in fact direct the classic film Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. (Jameson)

—LeBron is not a real French word. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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