May 31, 2013

Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann announced this week that she will not seek reelection in 2014 when her current term of office expires. Bachmann, who briefly ran for President in the 2012 Republican primary, is infamous for her tendency to make outrageous and/or factually incorrect statements, such as suggesting that the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation, claiming that the American Revolution began in New Hampshire, and arguing that Obamacare would "literally kill people". Now that her access to the media may be drying up, there are a few more things she's like to share with the rest of the country...

Additional "Facts" Michele Bachmann Would Like You to Know Before She Leaves Office

—Not only can you pray the gay away, you can pray most stains away. (Dan)

Community has been just as good since they got rid of Dan Harmon. (Joe)

—The Quran is really just a book about a guy name Muhammad trying to score some weed. (Matt)

—They never caught the Zodiac killer, so it might have been Carl Sagan. (Jameson)

—FDR was in a wheelchair because he got the HPV vaccine. (Brandon)

—Saying "pass the meat" at a holiday grillout is a gateway to homosexual behavior. (Mike)

—Native Americans invented the hula hoop as a way to defend themselves from our Founding Fathers at the Battle of the Bulge. (Dan)

—It's not guns that kill people, it's assault weapons bans that kill unborn babies. (Matt)

—Beginning in 2017, all Minnesotans will be required to eat cat food for one meal per week, as a result of Benghazi. (Jameson)

—The liberal media won't tell you this, but only members of Al-Qaeda drink Pepsi. (Brandon)

—An apple a day makes the doctor a gay. (Joe)

—Marcus is a bear in the sack. (Dan)

—Darwin made up evolution as an excuse to do it with monkeys. (Matt)

—Children raised by single parents are never able to lift more than 55 pounds. (Jameson)

—Sarah Palin's name is an anagram for "thunder-stealing bitch". (Brandon)

—Vampire Weekend are actual vampires, but only during the week. (Dan)

—Wearing nail polish after Veterans Day is a good way to come down with AIDS. (Jameson)

—Mormons only go door-to-door as a way to case your house so they can come back when you're not home and poop in your oven. (Matt)

—Touching a penis – even once, even your own – is the 2nd-leading cause of cancer in this country. (Brandon)

—She's a smart and dedicated public servant with a shred of human decency and the ability to feel shame. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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