Apr 12, 2013

President Barack Obama sent Congress his fifth annual budget plan this week, a $3.8 trillion spending blueprint that he hopes will tame runaway deficits, raise taxes on the wealthy, and trim popular benefit programs including Social Security and Medicare. But a skim through the nearly 2,000 page document reveals some unexpected ideas...

Surprising Proposals in President Obama's New Budget Plan

—Taxes the wealthy, but, in the interest of fairness, imposes a steep tax on taxing the wealthy. (Jameson)

—Contingency funding to "nuke ABC Family back to the Stone Age" if they don't renew Bunheads. (Brandon)

—$600,000 to advance the President's newest idea, Obamawear, the future of casual weekend vestments. (Matt)

—$25 billion allocated to "none of your goddamn business, Gladys Kravitz." (Joe)

—Increased funding for George W. Bush's art. (Dan)

—To streamline the economy, all future movies will be Transformers sequels. (Jameson)

—Last-ditch effort to save the U.S. Postal Service by making all mail nacho cheese-flavored. (Brandon)

—In a classic example of government waste and redundancy, $40 million will go to the Kumquat Appreciation Board, while an additional $40 million will be given to the National Society of Fuck Kumquats. (Joe)

—$10,000 to get Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood a walk-on role in the Veronica Mars movie through Kickstarter. (Jameson)

—$40 million to get Washington Nationals phenom Bryce Harper to stand in the House Chamber and hit line drives at Republican members whenever they try to speak. (Matt)

—Replaces the FAA with the FFA. Hydroponics diorama, you are cleared for takeoff! (Jameson)

—Money for three more Lincoln Memorials, and the materials necessary to dress them up as the members of KISS. (Brandon)

—The State Department "Taco Tuesday" budget is up 125%. (Jameson)

—Instead of food stamps, food stamps. Stamps made out of food. (Joe)

—Funding to turn the Capitol building into a laser-tag arena with a built-in Olive Garden, thereby eliminating Congress. (Jameson)

—$500 million for a nationwide Wear an Ascot on Your Penis! campaign, mostly because no one is willing to stand up to the powerful penis ascot lobby. (Brandon)

—All libraries to be closed Thursday thru Tuesday. On days when the library is closed, a copy of each Twilight book will be chained to the front door for communal reading. (Jameson)

—No more Navy. Sorry about that. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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