POOP READING
Apr 17, 2013

Best of Baron von Funny: February-March 2012

Other Changes Michael Bay Has Planned for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Franchise

—Rather than having shells, the Turtles will wear giant Red Bull cans for protection. (Matt)

Rejected McDonald's Menu Items

—Chicken McWads (Tenessa)

Campaign Slogans For and Against This Year's Oscar Nominees

—"Sure, You Didn't See Tree of Life, But That Shouldn't Stop You From Smugly Voting for It!" (Mike)

Ways Americans Are Dealing with High Gas Prices

—Quietly hoping Rush Limbaugh will call gasoline a slut. (Brandon)

Least Popular Valentine's Day Gifts

—A handful of "Plan B" contraceptive pills and a bus ticket out of town. (Jameson)

Other Changes Michael Bay Has Planned for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Franchise

—Previous movie villain (Shredder) will be replaced by new movie villain (childhood obesity). (Joe)

Little-Known Facts About Jeremy Lin

—Not only is Little Women his favorite book, it's also his dating preference. (Matt)

Reasons That the Super Bowl Party You're Attending Isn't Very Enjoyable

—Every touchdown is celebrated by reading aloud from a chapter of Tim Pawlenty's book Courage to Stand. (Brandon)

Things Overheard in the Customer Lines for the New iPad

—"I hope my daughter enjoys my old iPad 2, and I hope her cat enjoys my daughter's old iPad 1." (Jameson)

Campaign Slogans For and Against This Year's Oscar Nominees

—"Except for Hugo Sound Mixers Tom Fleischman and John Midgley, Every Single 2012 Oscar Nominee Is Banging Your Mom." (Joe)

Things Overheard in the Customer Lines for the New iPad

—"What is that bright orb in the sky? It burns! IT BURNS!!" (Tenessa)

Ways Americans Are Dealing with High Gas Prices

—Emigrating to Venezuela in order to mail back envelopes full of cheap, sweet crude oil. (Matt)

Reasons That the Super Bowl Party You're Attending Isn't Very Enjoyable

—It's being held at a women's prison. But you showed up at the wrong women's prison. (Brandon)

Other Reasons Peyton Manning and the Colts Are Parting Ways

—It's not that he took the season off due to surgery... it's that he didn't even call! (Jameson)

Least Popular Valentine's Day Gifts

—Champions Once More: The Story of the 2011 New York Giants on Blu-Ray. (Joe)

Little-Known Facts About Jeremy Lin

—Was also cut by his first two families. (Mike)

Ways Americans Are Dealing with High Gas Prices

—Rather than drive to a more private location, men are just having sex with prostitutes in the Taco Bell parking lot where they pick them up. (Matt)

Other Reasons Peyton Manning and the Colts Are Parting Ways

—Turns out that the person responsible for urine-marking the initials P.M. all over Lucas Oil Stadium was not punter Pat McAfee, as Manning had originally suggested. (Brandon)

Little-Known Facts About Jeremy Lin

—Spent an intensely focused four years playing college basketball, but still has no fucking clue what a "Terp" is. (Jameson)

Things Overheard in the Customer Lines for the New iPad

—"Whoa, there's a black guy. OK, everybody be cool. Just be cool." (Joe)

Other Changes Michael Bay Has Planned for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Franchise

—Instead of pizza, their favorite food will be whole-grain, organic, wheat-free, gluten-free, dairy-free, peanut-free energy pellets. (Tenessa)

Reasons That the Super Bowl Party You're Attending Isn't Very Enjoyable

—I loved "Macho Man" Randy Savage as much as the next guy, but honestly, I don't feel like watching a homemade memoriam of him at halftime. (Matt)

Little-Known Facts About Jeremy Lin

—If you give him a frog, by the end of the day, it will be a majestic white-tailed deer. (Brandon)

Things Overheard in the Customer Lines for the New iPad

—"I'm taping two iPads together back-to-back in hopes of creating a portal to a parallel universe ruled by benevolent iPads." (Jameson)

Rejected McDonald's Menu Items

—Queerburger (Joe)

Other Reasons Peyton Manning and the Colts Are Parting Ways

—Colts fear Manning is entering the "texting young women pictures of his junk" phase of his career. (Mike)

Campaign Slogans For and Against This Year's Oscar Nominees

—"Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy: The Movie That's Too Good for Commas." (Matt)

Ways Americans Are Dealing with High Gas Prices

—Riding on the outside and roof of SUVs, like train passengers in India. (Brandon)

Things Overheard in the Customer Lines for the New iPad

—"I remember two years ago when I thought the iPad was an unnecessary gadget with contrived demand, and I remember last year, when I traded in my son for one." (Jameson)

Ways Americans Are Dealing with High Gas Prices

—Ingeniously drinking a bottle of grain alcohol every night and then pissing the diluted savings into their flex fuel gas tanks the next morning. (Matt)

Little-Known Facts About Jeremy Lin

—Has signed on to be the spokesperson for Wyoming-based Laramie Gin. (Brandon)

Ways Americans Are Dealing with High Gas Prices

—Installing fast, convenient water slides between important destinations. (Jameson)

Other Reasons Peyton Manning and the Colts Are Parting Ways

—He insisted that every rookie get "Horseshoed" prior to their first preseason game. Most rookies never spoke of it again. (Matt)

Things Overheard in the Customer Lines for the New iPad

—"I hear the birds look even angrier on this one." (Joe)

Campaign Slogans For and Against This Year's Oscar Nominees

—"Oh, By All Means, Kudos to Aaron Sorkin for Knowing How to Re-Type the Words From a Book and Call It a Screenplay." (Matt)

Ways Americans Are Dealing with High Gas Prices

—Abandoning their car when it runs out of gas, carjacking another, and repeating the cycle until they eventually get their original car back with a full tank. (Brandon)

Rejected McDonald's Menu Items

—McFlührer (only available in plain vanilla) (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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