Apr 26, 2013

For quite some time, there has been a growing movement to discontinue the penny as a form of U.S. currency. But what will we do with all the pennies currently in circulation if that happens? The history of human innovation tells us people will find a way...

Alternate Uses for the U.S. Penny

—Something new for young toughs to "huff". (Mike)

—Melt them down into disgusting but appropriately germ-filled statues of the members of the Rolling Stones. (Dan)

—Maybe one of them could write the next Transformers movie? (Jameson)

—Tape a bunch of them to your lover's face and it's like you're doin' it with Lincoln! (Brandon)

—Toss them off the Empire State Building as a new form of capital punishment. (Matt)

—Take it with you to the barbershop as an example once you finally get up the nerve to attempt the "full beard/no mustache" look. (Joe)

—Fill a sock with them and use it to hit this guy in the face. (Tenessa)

—Drop them into the cups of blind beggars. With the penny discontinued, that sounds like a nickel! (Jameson)

—Looks like your jeans are about to get even blingy-er! (Brandon)

—The new Oatmeal-Penny cookie from Mrs. Fields. (Mike)

—Save them and sell them to retro hipster douchebags twenty years from now. (Dan)

—Replacement teeth for ugly children. (Jameson)

—Collective nationwide buyout of the remainder of Leno's contract, just to get him off our damn TVs even earlier than planned. (Brandon)

—Are you familiar with the timeless flavor of penny-baked ham? Well, you soon will be! (Matt)

—To discourage punk kids from leaving pennies on the train tracks, just make the train tracks out of pennies. (Joe)

—We need something to chuck at Ann Coulter when she opens her mouth. (Brandon)

—If you get pennies from as many different years as possible, you've got unique ID markers for your poop experiments. (Matt)

—iPenny. (I have no idea what this is, but if you market it the right way, you'll be a billionaire in 30 minutes.) (Mike)

—Nothing says classy like a penny-encrusted dong. (Brandon)

—Melt them down and form them into ammo for our new form of currency: guns, guns, guns! (Jameson)

—A poor man's Scrooge McDuck pool. (Matt)

—People will eat pretty much anything you put on a pizza, won't they? (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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