Mar 8, 2013

Last week, a sinkhole formed underneath the bedroom of a Tampa, FL man, swallowing him up and killing him. This is just one of the many rare, unusual events that should nonetheless be keeping you up at night...

Other Things That You Should Probably Worry About

—Being bitten by a shark who is being struck by lightning while aboard a crashing airliner in a tsunami. (Jameson)

—Jay Leno could host the Tonight Show longer than Johnny Carson did. (Dan)

—It's a long shot, but maybe they'll make you the new pope. In which case, say goodbye to doin' it! (Joe)

—Sure, America's Got Talent right now, but in 30 years, after years of harvesting all of that talent, what are we going to leave for our grandchildren? (Matt)

—The government could declare back fat a terrorist threat to be dealt with by predator drone strikes. (Mike)

—Super rabies! (Brandon)

—I step on a crack, I break my mother's back. I get that. But if I step on it again, does it fix her back? And why is my mom's spinal health entirely dependent upon sidewalks? Oh, right, Obamacare. (Dan)

—If you do too good a job in your chosen profession, we might all decide to turn on you like we did with Anne Hathaway or Peyton Manning. (Joe)

—Another Larry King wedding. (Jameson)

—Oil tankers filled with Russian sperm crashing onto Miami beaches during spring break and accidentally impregnating thousands of our country's most valuable Girls Gone Wild. (Matt)

—Doritos says you can crunch all you want and they'll make more, but how do we know for sure? (Mike)

—There's really nothing stopping Renny Harlin from directing more movies and TV shows. (Brandon)

—All that money I ate may give me germs! (Dan)

—Someone's going to make a Game of Thrones reference and everybody's going to nod knowingly and you'll be the only one who doesn't get it. Why were you too cheap to shell out the 12 bucks a months for HBO? WHY??? (Joe)

—Mouth-farting poltergeists invading your home. And technically your mouth, I guess. (Matt)

—Statistically, the average American will be exposed to at least one disturbing statistic in his or her lifetime. (Jameson)

—At any given moment, the entire human species could effectively be ten seconds away from total obliteration at the hands of a meteor that has gone undetected by our under-funded space program. But by all means, keep stressing about that overdue library book. (Joe)

—Bieber may grow up to be a total uggo! (Dan)

—What if the FDA approval committee is filled with the same number of slackers, dumbasses, and borderline alcoholics as your own workplace? (Brandon)

—They might not stop at The Hangover Part III. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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