Mar 15, 2013

On Wednesday, the Catholic Church named Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, who will go by the title Pope Francis, as the 266th pope in church history. And while he will become head of the church and Sovereign of the Vatican City State, his responsibilities aren't always well-known...

Job Requirements of the New Pope

—Must be able to type a minimum of 85 wpm. (Tenessa)

—Has to make the donuts for Dunkin' Donuts when the "Time to make the donuts" guy can't. (Brandon)

—Must commit to an all-robe wardrobe, including one for his penis. (Dan)

—Keep an eye on the copyright infringement lawsuit involving the Vatican's new website, PopeReading.com. (Joe)

—Hand out L'il Mitres to the first 1,000 parishioners under the age of 12 on Ash Wednesday. (Mike)

—Must ensure that no less than 75% of those who encounter him walk away remarking about how "Christ-like" he smelled. (Matt)

—Has to provide the Kleenex and bottled water for the Vatican break room on alternate months. (Jameson)

—Should spend at least one hour a day perfecting his imitation of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes. (Brandon)

—Has to mop the floors and zero out the till every night, and twice on Sundays. (Dan)

—Do whatever he can to rectify humanity's greatest current injustice: the insufficient use of instant replay technology in Major League Baseball. (Joe)

—Must start an Eastern/Western religion old-school rapper feud with the Dalai Lama. (Mike)

—Late-night mimosas and pillow talk with God. (Matt)

—Find out once and for all who's been pooping in the altar over at St. Peter's Basilica and leaving behind a sign that says "Jesus was here". (Brandon)

—Must drop the mic after every public speaking engagement. (Dan)

—Continue the Holy See's tradition of doing absolutely nothing about Nazis, something that, being from Argentina, he's undoubtedly had plenty of opportunities to practice. (Joe)

—In the event of a tie, he will choose the winner of The Voice. (Mike)

—Has to polish that prick Ratzinger's shoes once a week. (Matt)

—Must be able to kill actor Patrick Dempsey with a single shot from a bow and arrow when the time arises. (Brandon)

—Well, all these backlogged candidates for sainthood aren't going to beatify themselves. (Joe)

—Keep the church's clock set to the 16th century. (Mike)

—The ultimate sacrifice: latrine duty the day after the Vatican's Thursday night hot pepper eating contests. (Matt)

—Gotta be rockin' it and cockin' it 24/7/365. (Brandon)

—Issue a definitive papal bull that settles once and for all the question of whether God could make a rock so big that even He couldn't pick it up. (Joe)

—Must hate gays. (Mike)

—Must love dogs. (Dan)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

© poopreading.com, all rights reserved – advertising info