Feb 15, 2013

This week, Pope Benedict XVI, known prior to his papacy as Joseph Ratzinger, announced that he will be stepping down as leader of the Catholic Church at the end of February. The 85-year-old cited advanced age and declining health as reasons for the decision, but the reality is more complicated than that...

Real Reasons the Pope is Retiring

—To spend more time poping with his family. (Jameson)

—It was discovered that he was lip synching this whole time. (Dan)

—Always said he'd quit the day that shielding pedophiles from the legal system stopped being fun. (Joe)

—The Catholic Church is ready to start Aaron Rodgers. (Mike)

—Did not know when he accepted the job that the Pope is required to poop in a drawer. (Brandon)

—Was concerned that his baby bump was starting to show, and he didn't want a tabloid fiasco like Princess Kate. (Matt)

—Just can't keep up with all these young popes anymore. (Tenessa)

—Tired of the jeers about his infallibility whenever he wiffs a turn on Words With Friends. (Jameson)

—Vowed long ago that his career wouldn't last any longer than Ray Lewis's. (Joe)

—Has to get a paper route to help pay the church's legal bills. (Mike)

—Never could get the John Paul II stink out of the papal hat. (Brandon)

—Has a sweet lobbying gig lined up with Aquafina to make it the official holy water of the Catholic Church. (Matt)

—Wants to concentrate on his vow to find the real killer. (Dan)

—Retirees get $2.50 off the Early Bird at the Vatican City Sizzler! (Jameson)

—Because Pope-in' ain't easy. (Joe)

—Plans to sign a one-day contract with Boston and retire a Celtic. (Mike)

—Is joining the family business, Ratzinger's Rat Zingers. (Sample: Q: What did one lab rat say to the other? A: I've got my scientist so well-trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack!) (Brandon)

—If he died a Pope, there's no way he'd be able to be buried in his beloved Danzig '97 European Tour sweatshirt. (Matt)

—Chasin' tail and makin' bail. (Tenessa)

—Received confirmation that the Beatles actually were bigger than Jesus. Hard to take Jesus seriously after that. (Jameson)

—There's a sudden vacancy in the job of the only other man on Earth who is expected to ride around in his own "-mobile"; namely, Batman. (Joe)

—Wants to stage a dramatic, Favre-like comeback during next year's Catholic Training Camp. (Mike)

—Was offered the opportunity to compete in a special Chopped: Cookin' with God! episode. (Brandon)

—The same reason all popes pack it in: unshakable doping scandal. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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