Jan 25, 2013

On Monday, pop singer Beyoncé Knowles sang The Star-Spangled Banner at the inauguration ceremony of U.S. President Barack Obama, but it was later revealed that she was lip-synching to a pre-recorded version of the song, setting off a firestorm among the public and in the media. It's clearly the worst thing that has ever happened in American history, and is already causing unexpected consequences that are altering the very fabric of our planet...

Terrible Things That Are Already Happening as a Result of Beyoncé Lip-Synching the National Anthem

—Alaska is on fire! (Brandon)

—Roseanne is planning a "Real Singing of the National Anthem Tour". (Mike)

—The disillusioned makers of ChapStick have discontinued their lip balm and are instead producing lip-sync balm (just empty plastic tubes), thereby leaving millions of American lips dry, cracked, and virtually unkissable. (Joe)

—The Octomom is pregnant again, but this time with octopuses, except there's only five of them. It's very confusing! (Matt)

—Zombie Thomas Jefferson has risen from the grave and is making love to footballs for reasons that are very unclear but oh god you can't look away but seriously why is he doing this?? (Brandon)

—Michelle Obama's bangs grew a second set of bangs, and those bangs are the new Secretary of State. (Dan)

—People are remembering that Ashlee Simpson exists. (Tenessa)

—Now nobody can tell The League's Stephen Rannazzisi apart from Bones's David Boreanaz. (Brandon)

—Well, I haven't been able to poop since the inaugural. Not out of my butt, anyway. (Mike)

—Everything tastes like chicken, except for chicken, which now tastes like Ed Begley, Jr. (Brandon)

—Every child in America has been renamed Harbaugh, and families are being torn apart as parents are forced to choose which of their kids to root for as head coach in the Super Bowl. (Joe)

—Bald eagles are gay marrying Chinese pandas AND THEY ALL GET OBAMACARE. (Brandon)

—On The Voice, Christina Aguilera's boobs are now on Cee Lo Green's body. (Matt)

—Penises and paninis have been switched, and it's going to take years to sort out the legal ramifications. (Brandon)

—Just to be a contrarian, Fab Morvan – the surviving member of Milli Vanilli – has started singing live in concert. It's terrible. (Joe)

—Remember in the movie The Day After Tomorrow when super storms left much of the Northeast U.S. covered in snow and ice? Well, now nobody can remember that movie! (Brandon)

—Instead of congressional bipartisanship, we have congressional bisexuality, and it's making C-SPAN even more unwatchable. (Matt)

—Whenever Jimmy Smits tries to speak, tomato sauce comes gushing out of his mouth instead. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Mike Wagner

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