Baron von Funny


Jan 11, 2013

On Wednesday, the Baseball Writers' Association of America (BBWAA) released the results of its members' voting on candidates for the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame. A player must receive 75% of the votes in order to be inducted to the Hall of Fame; this year, for the eighth time in history, no players surpassed that 75% threshold. This is widely believed to have been caused by divided opinion on the issue of steroid use in baseball, but insiders have indicated that the truth goes much deeper than that...

Real Reasons the BBWAA Didn't Vote Anyone Into the Baseball Hall of Fame This Year

—Believed in the Mayan apocalypse; sat on their hands when they should've been thinking about their votes. (Jameson)

—As a cost-cutting measure, the Hall recently eliminated "sharps" containers in the bathrooms, and no one wants to have that many discarded needles mixed in with the regular trash. (Matt)

—Too busy trying to figure out why the word baseball got broken up into two letters for their acronym. (Brandon)

—Wanted to wait until all nine players who appeared in the "Homer at the Bat" episode of The Simpsons are eligible for induction, and then just vote them in as a team. (Joe)

—They did; Karl Rove was just on FOX News saying that Craig Biggio, Jack Morris, and Dale Murphy's votes were still coming in from Romney precincts in Ohio. (Mike)

—Many of them just forgot to submit ballots because they were only reminded twice to do so. (Dan)

—Confusing butterfly ballot led most of them to vote for Pat Buchanan by accident. (Jameson)

—Upset that Hall of Fame wouldn't agree to make voting process more like The Voice. (Brandon)

—Dave Winfield just cut one in there. Those babies need at least eight months to air out, just to be safe. (Joe)

—They were protesting, claiming that all award voting is a sham after learning that the Oscars were planning to snub Ben Affleck for Best Director. (Mike)

—Insufficient guidance from Sarah Palin about which players real Americans would vote for. (Jameson)

—While voters agreed that many of the players eligible for induction this year had excellent careers, they just didn't display the virulent racism of a Ty Cobb or Cap Anson. (Brandon)

—Scandalous eleventh-hour revelations published in the Houston Chronicle that Astros great Craig Biggio occasionally, toward the end of his career, gave merely 109%. (Joe)

—Just a bunch of nerds exacting revenge on a bunch of jocks. (Matt)

—Too many write-in votes for "VORP". (Jameson)

—Bizarre new rule stating that all votes had to be submitted in the form of a haiku. (Brandon)

—Voters don't give a rat's ass about steroids; it's just that Barry Bonds porked every last one of their moms. Even the dead ones. It was inhumanly perverse. But nobody could stop Barry Bonds, on account of all the steroids. (Joe)

—Too busy looking at Sammy Sosa's Pinterest page. (Mike)

—Growing belief among members of the BBWAA that the Hall of Fame is a hoax, and even if it does exist, it isn't man-made, so managing it isn't our problem. (Jameson)

—Who the hell scheduled the voting deadline for the same day as The People's Choice Awards?? (Brandon)

—After Bert Blyleven was inducted last year, every player on the ballot begged not to be voted in, lest their Hall of Fame plaque end up on the wall next to "a goddamn, no-good Dutchman." (Joe)

—Nobody even thought to run the numbers on this, but it turns out every baseball player in history is either already in the Hall of Fame or a dirty terrorist. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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