Jan 4, 2013

With Father Time having once again passed the baton to Baby New Year, we take a moment to remember the year gone by...

Memorable Moments from 2012 That May Not Have Actually Happened

—Hillary Clinton's concussion and blood clot are greeted with genuine concern by her political opponents. (Mike)

—After completing his Olympic 200m freestyle race in record time, Michael Phelps launches himself up out of the water and over coach Gregg Troy, Free Willy-style. (Matt)

—Congressional candidates Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock each get to experience a legitimate gift from God when a man forcibly inserts his penis into their anal cavity. (Brandon)

—At a rally in Toledo, Mitt Romney mistakenly eats a baby, defensively stammering, "But he was Latino! I love Latinos!" (Tenessa)

—As a tribute, Cinemax broadcasts the 2009 John Cusack apocalypse movie 2012 exactly 2,012 times throughout the year. A grand total of 93 Cinemax subscribers watch it. (Jameson)

—Topless pictures of a sunbathing Queen Elizabeth cause millions of men to swear off masturbating for the rest of their lives. (Matt)

—For 11 seconds on October 8th, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor neither looks nor acts like a total douche. (Mike)

—A book of narrowly focused, excruciatingly precise paint samples, Fifty Shades of Grey, tops the bestseller lists for months. (Brandon)

—Obviously confused by her name, and quite disappointed afterward, a hungry bear eats child star Honey Boo Boo during the season finale of Toddlers & Tiaras. (Matt)

—To the amazement of participants and observers, a civil, evidence-based, enlightening political discussion occurs on Facebook. (Mike)

—Participants in Decembeaver cause such a sharp drop in razor sales that Gillette lays off 30% of its employees. (But just the women.) (Tenessa)

—Upon hearing that the legislation legalizing marijuana passed in Colorado, every NBA star opts out of his contract and signs with the Denver Nuggets. (Matt)

—Somewhere in America, a parent with young children enjoys a relaxing, uninterrupted poop. (Mike)

—A breathless American public spends most of the fall recovering from their excitement over that girl who did some flips on the uneven bars. (Jameson)

—In November, Apple releases the suppositorial iPad Mini Mini, complete with their revolutionary anal operating system. (Matt)

—Sean Hannity candidly admits on the air that maybe having the First Lady encourage people to exercise and eat healthy isn't a socialist plot to destroy America. (Mike)

—People learn about the dangers of the "bath salts" when a man, while high on the designer drug, eats another man's face on an episode of Downton Abbey. (Brandon)

—The San Fransisco Giants celebrate their World Series victory by holding a parade on top of Barry Bonds's enormous head. (Matt)

—Katie Holmes splits from Tom Cruise, in observance of the traditional fifth anniversary gift, "Please Stop Telling Our Daughter About the Invisible Space People Who Control Her Bowel Movements". (Jameson)

—For about a week or so, the legal troubles of the Russian band Pussy Riot make internet searches a little more confusing for many uninformed teenage boys. (Matt)

—Gays, poor people, and rape victims RUINED AMERICA. (Tenessa)

—Mitt Romney bankrolls the dressage-based reality show Prancing with the Stars. (Mike)

—On February 11th, Whitney Houston has her cake and eats it, too. She dies soon thereafter. (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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