POOP READING
Sep 21, 2012

This week, a professor at Harvard Divinity School found an ancient papyrus with text that quotes Jesus making reference to "my wife." Needless to say, this has caused quite a stir among religious scholars, and is causing many people to wonder: what would it be like to be married to the son of God?

Pros and Cons of Being Jesus' Wife

—Always having to pretend to like his crappy carpentry. (Dan)

—The only thing he's well-endowed with is the Holy Spirit. :( (Matt)

—Wine isn't the only thing he can turn water into. Margarita Wednesdays, anybody? (Joe)

—It's always tough to buy presents for someone whose birthday is close to Christmas. (Jameson)

—Who do you think did all the cooking and cleaning for that damn Last Supper? (Brandon)

—You're never sure if he forgot your anniversary and is using a miracle to make up for it, or if he's been planning the miracle for a really long time. (Mike)

—When he's being a lazy jerk, you can sarcastically ask him, "Oh yeah, well what would Jesus do??" (Tenessa)

—Never have to go shopping for bread or fish, as he'll always make more. (Dan)

—Large number of cheering men at your river baptism makes it seem more like a wet T-shirt contest than a moment of rebirth. (Matt)

—No matter how frustrated you get with the in-laws, you can't badmouth his dad. Not just because it's impolite, but because it's actually one of the Ten Commandments. (Joe)

—With everyone expecting him to return again, you've basically got no chance of that life insurance policy paying out. (Jameson)

—Pretty much a shoo-in to get a meaty role on The Real Housewives of Galilee. (Mike)

—Have to endure endless "Hey, you want me to ask my dad to part the Red Sea for you?" jokes during your period each month. (Dan)

—He always talks about how much he hates Jerusalem, but when that Messiah opportunity opened up in Atlanta, he didn't even apply! (Matt)

—Really annoying when he says "Hey, this house isn't going to straighten itself up," because you know he could totally make it do just that. (Joe)

—His mom totally thinks you're a slut and you can't call her on it because she's never even gone to first with a guy. (Jameson)

—Everybody thinks your married last name is Christ, but unfortunately, it's actually Pubetrain. (Brandon)

—He's always going on and on about how he and the 12 disciples would make a great football team. (Dan)

—He thinks the show Two and a Half Mesopotamians is funny. (Matt)

—All your friends yell your husband's name during sex. (Jameson)

—Lots of time to yourself while he's hanging around in front of the Home Depot, looking for work. (Wait; I might be thinking of a different Jesus.) (Joe)

—Sure, he rises again on the third day, but does he spend any of that time with his wife? NO. (Dan)

—Have to listen to a lot of stuff like "Oh, you folded the laundry without being asked? Well, I died for your sins!!" (Jameson)

—When one of the ladies at bridge says, "My husband walks on water," you can shut her up with a single raised eyebrow. (Tenessa)

—His pancakes are terrible. (Matt)

—Never lets his converted-water wine breathe properly. (Dan)

—When it's time to take the Eucharist, he's all, "Yeah... take the body of Christ in your mouth" with a big wink like he's so clever. (Jameson)

—"I've been dead for three days" is a pretty good answer to the question, "Where the hell have you been?" (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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