Baron von Funny


Sep 28, 2012

This week, the NFL and its Referees Association reached terms on a new collective bargaining agreement, ending a lockout that kept the refs out of the first three weeks of games. During that time, the league used non-union replacement referees, which predictably led to blown calls and questionable in-game rulings, culminating in an incident last Monday night that cost the Green Bay Packers a win. As a result, the NFL appeared to have no choice but to bring the real refs back immediately...

Perks Conceded to the NFL Referees in Order to Get Them Back to Work

—They now have the option to wear their stripes vertically or horizontally. (Jameson)

—A "Special Thanks to" credit on Mad Men. (Matt)

—ESPN Films to produce The Back Judge Who Saved Christmas holiday DVD. (Mike)

—Hand signal for delay of game penalty to be replaced by international gesture for jerking off. (Brandon)

—Now allowed to call bogus penalties on any player they want, as long as it helps the referee's fantasy team. (Joe)

—They get their own entrance music. (Dan)

—If a lopsided game turns particularly dull, it's now fine if they want to watch another game on the sidelines. (Jameson)

—First dibs on showering next to Tom Brady. (Matt)

—Four words: Replacement Ref Dunk Tank. (Mike)

—Casual Thursdays. (Brandon)

—Eagles coach Andy Reid no longer allowed to eat Mexican food the night before a game, because whew!. (Joe)

—A onetime payout to their spouses for putting up with them "reffing it up" around the house during the lockout. (Jameson)

—Newly-established Sideline Safety Net Fund means that no official will ever have to strip to make rent again. (Matt)

—New signal to denote a first down will be presented "Gangnam Style." (Mike)

—Much like The Dawg Pound in Cleveland and Raider Nation in Oakland, the refs will get their own fan club called The Ref Raff. (Brandon)

—Get to spend one afternoon a year in a room with my racist grandpa while he reacts to black guys doing touchdown dances; I can promise you that there's nothing more amusing than that. (Joe)

—Ed Hochuli gets paid triple the salary of a normal referee because, name another referee. (Dan)

—All remaining copies of Denis Leary's underperforming dud The Ref will be relabeled with the cover of Leary's underperforming dud Two if by Sea to spare the referees further embarrassment. (Jameson)

—The NFL will hire the ad agency that made those "Chicks Dig the Long Ball" commercials for MLB to create a series of "Chicks Hate the Wrong Call" spots. (Brandon)

—Notoriously prickly New England coach Bill Belichick must change his game day sideline attire from hoodie to onesie. (Joe)

—Head referee will now be allowed to take a drag off a cigarette to add a dramatic pause to his penalty announcements. (Matt)

—Once a year, they'll be allowed to reuse pictures and/or accounts of an NFL game without the express written consent of the commissioner. (Jameson)

—Replay monitors will now have picture-in-picture, so the refs can catch up on missed episodes of The Mindy Project while they review a challenged call. (Brandon)

—Any time the crowd starts to boo, the stadium jumbotron is required to play Seattle's Fail Mary pass on a loop with the phrase, "Is This What You Want??" superimposed in giant, flashing letters. (Mike)

—Coach challenges a call, coach is wrong, coach goes pantsless for the rest of the game. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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