Aug 10, 2012

McDonald's announced this week that sales at their worldwide locations were flat in July, marking the first time the fast food giant has not seen their monthly revenue grow since April 2003. The economy and increased competition were likely the cause, and many expect McDonald's to take an aggressive approach to draw in more customers...

Ways That McDonald's Plans to Rejuvenate Their Business

—Kidnap Jared, fatten him up again. (Mike)

—If a Usain Bolt lookalike is able to run around the parking lot 4 times before your food is ready, your meal is free. (Matt)

—In place of the traditional Golden Arches logo, the top bun of the McGriddle will now feature an image of Justin Bieber making out with Suri Cruise while riding on the Mars rover Curiosity. (Brandon)

—By invading Poland. (Dan)

—Poaching gay-friendly customers from Chik-Fil-A by introducing Ronald McDonald's new "friend" Lance, a large, hairy man in assless chaps. (Joe)

—A Wonka-style promotion where a lucky group of children can win a tour of the company's slaughterhouses and chicken rendering plants. (Jameson)

—Finally execute the Hamburglar for numerous Burger War crimes. (Mike)

—By brazenly selling In-N-Out burgers that they haven't even bothered to repackage. (Matt)

—They're thinking about maybe trying some advertising or perhaps even a movie tie-in promotion. (Dan)

—Mayor McCheese? Try Senator McCheese. (Joe)

—They're putting some serious thought into suing Samsung. Seems like an easy way to score some quick cash these days. (Jameson)

—Quietly drop the McCannibal, the burger made up of slow-witted hobos and unattended invalids. (Mike)

—In an effort to stimulate business for both companies, McDonalds and the U.S. Post Office will be teaming up for McDonalds by Mail. Order online and your burger and fries will be there in 2-3 days. (Matt)

—Soon, you'll be able to order anything in their restaurants. ANYTHING. (Dan)

—Taco Bell had success with their Doritos Tacos and KFC won big with the Double Down – maybe sandwich a Big Mac between two Big Macs? (Jameson)

—New "Mommy's L'il Helper" Happy Meal will be laced with a sizable dose of Ambien. (Brandon)

—Grimace to "accidentally" release a sex tape. (Mike)

—Less dog meat? Maybe more? (Matt)

—New Hunger Games-themed PlayPlaces where you can hunt the ultimate prey: man. (Dan)

—Coming next summer to a theater near you: The Bourne McRib. (Jameson)

—Debut a commercial in which Ronald McDonald vociferously denies that he has ever had sex with dead bodies, and then wonders aloud why the Burger King has never appeared in a commercial to make a similar denial. (Joe)

—Rebrand super-sized items as "America-sized." Who would say no to the question, "Do you want that America-sized?" Terrorists, that's who! (Mike)

—For an extra dollar, Lindsay Lohan will pre-chew your food for you. (Dan)

—Nursing mothers will be on hand to pump fresh milk for all Happy Meals. (Matt)

—A new mascot that's half conger eel and half reconstituted bicycle tire to promote the recipe for the Filet-O-Fish sandwich. (Jameson)

—McBeer. (Dan)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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