Jun 8, 2012

This week, research released from a study conducted by the Forensic Anthropology Center at the University of Tennessee showed that over the last 150 years or so, the overall size of the average American skull has increased by an amount equivalent to the size of a tennis ball. But you don't need a bunch of scientific data to point this out...

Signs That Americans' Heads Are Growing Too Large

—If it were sculpted today, Mt. Rushmore would be actual size. (Jameson)

—Most yarmulkes now double as jacuzzi covers. (Joe)

—More and more people are quoting Mike Myers's dad from So I Married an Axe Murderer. (Tenessa)

—It used to be that when a goose landed on somebody's head, people would notice. (Matt)

—The band Big Head Todd and the Monsters has been left no choice but to go by the vastly inferior name Regular Head Todd and the Monsters. (Brandon)

—Newt Gingrich is no longer a carnival attraction, the way he would have been 150 years ago. (Jameson)

—93% increase in model helicopter crashes resulting from pilots finding it increasingly difficult to avoid people's heads. (Matt)

—Patriotism has fallen to an all-time low, as no one can see the flag when everyone stands to sing the "Star-Spangled Banner" at sporting events. (Brandon)

—Sizes of caps sold at popular retail chain Lids now start with "XXL" and end in "Manhole Cover." (Joe)

—Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed skulls above an "appropriate size" in the city of New York. (Jameson)

—Barry Bonds no longer looks like Shrek in comparison to the rest of us. (Matt)

—The hot career paths for undergrads looking to strike it rich are now barbering and millinery. (Brandon)

—The precipitous decline in demand for pullover sweaters has wreaked havoc on the garment district. (Jameson)

—So many people are wearing those neck braces now that they've stopped being funny. [PAUSE, SNICKERING SOUNDS] Heehee, okay, okay, they're still pretty funny. (Brandon)

—Unfortunate Catch-22 whereby any tiara placed atop Miss America's head that's big enough to be seen on camera is automatically far too heavy to be worn. (Joe)

—A duffel bag of severed human heads will no longer fit in the overhead bin of most airlines – yet another reason serial killers prefer Amtrak. (Jameson)

—Most new TV shows now just revolve around characters who teeter off-balance and struggle to wobble from room to room. (Brandon)

—The neck holes on T-shirts are so big they're now being worn like off-the-shoulder dresses. (Matt)

—84% increase in babies delivered by C-section, and a 238% increase in the murder of doctors who refuse to perform C-sections. (Jameson)

—The new N-word is "noggin". (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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