Jun 1, 2012

Over the weekend, in Miami, a naked man was found eating the face of another naked man, and was eventually shot by police. Authorities believe the perpetrator was high on "bath salts", a street name for a drug that's a dangerous mix of the amphetamines Methylenedioxypyrovalerone (MDPV), mephedrone, and pyrovalerone, and one that can cause users to lose touch with reality and exhibit psychotic behavior. But the list of potential effects of "bath salt" use doesn't end there...

Other Things People Might Do While High on "Bath Salts"

—Decide to live in Miami. (Brandon)

—Acquit John Edwards. (Jameson)

—Learn how to spell Methylenedioxypyrovalerone. (Mike)

—Sprint from Providence, RI to Lowell, MA while wearing nothing but a dick sock and a clown wig. (Matt)

—Demand to see the birth certificate of a President who has already shown his birth certificate. (Joe)

—Come up with "bath salts" as the street name for your hip new drug. (Jameson)

—Place a bet on the Minnesota Twins to win just one fucking game for the love of Christ. (Mike)

—Engage in a 28-hour argument with a picture of Tony Randall. (Matt)

—Greenlight a $200 million movie based on the board game "Battleship." (Joe)

—Make love to a campfire. (Brandon)

—Answer the phone when the caller ID clearly reveals the in-laws are on the other line. (Mike)

—Vacation in Galveston, TX. Yuck. (Matt)

—Nothing near as bad as what a man will do when he's high on Saul Bass. (Jameson)

—Draw up an "animal kingdom blowjob" checklist, and refuse to rest until it's completed. On both ends. (Joe)

—Set Facebook's IPO price at $38. (Mike)

—Jerk off some trees. (Matt)

—Legally change their name to Grabbin A. Titsworth. (Brandon)

—Take a shit in somebody else's pants. (Mike)

—Hold an all-day movie marathon where the only feature is From Justin to Kelly. (Matt)

—Scoop Peter Dinklage into your arms and attempt to breastfeed him. (Jameson)

—Go even further, by also taking "bed salts" and "beyond salts". (Joe)

—Believe they've traveled back in time to the American Revolution and are doing it with that hot piece of ass, Abigail Adams, when in reality, they're having sex with a mailbox. (Matt)

—Watch Leno. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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