Jun 15, 2012

—A list of everything Dad does wrong. (Mike)

—A special outing with the kids that starts right before the U.S. Open comes on, and ends right after the final buzzer of Game 3 of the NBA Finals. (Joe)

—K-Y Debilitate, the lubricant that reduces pleasure while also shrinking your genitals! (Brandon)

—A positive pregnancy test. (Matt)

—A hooker dressed up as his dead wife. (Jameson)

—The Trumperizer Complete Home Hair Care System. (Mike)

—Tickets to see Peter Wolf and Wolf Blitzer in Law & Order creator Dick Wolf's Broadway revival of the TV show Airwolf. (Brandon)

—New spinoff publication called 50 Shades of Gay. (Joe)

—A painting commemorating that time the whole family tried falafels. [SHUDDER] (Matt)

—Spuds MacKenzie beer cozies you bought from Dad's garage sale last year. (Jameson)

—Craftsman's new line of Extremely Dangerous Tools with Chinese Instructions. (Brandon)

—Coupon from wife for "One fully-clothed, daytime back rub in the chair near that picture of my mother." (Mike)

—Andy Dick's new cologne. (Marketing slogan: "Smell Like A. Dick".) (Joe)

—An authentically A-Rod-spanked picture of Coretta Scott King. (Brandon)

—Coffee table book: Intimidatingly Large Cocks from U.S. History. (Matt)

—Constructo: the board game of tiny moving parts and custom decals - assembling the board IS the game! (Jameson)

—Foodstuffs from the local convenience store. (Li'l Beefies? Chicken Chunkies??). (Brandon)

—A blandjob: it's not quite a blowjob, it's not quite a handjob, but it sure does go on for a long time. (Matt)

—"The Bible", as dictated by a drunken Renny Harlin. (Brandon)

—A tie. A tie?? Seriously, did I get you a blender on Mother's Day? No, I bought you a spa weekend with two friends in another state while I watched the goddamn kids. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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