Apr 13, 2012

The IRS tax filing deadline is Tuesday, April 17th, and as many Americans scramble to file their return, they turn to tax professionals for assistance and advice. But not all questions are created equal...

Questions Asked of Tax Professionals at Filing Time

—"Does the government still accept pelts as a form of currency?" (Joe)

—"I've got kind of a blow-jobs-in-exchange-for-yard-work thing going with my wife – do I need to report that as income?" (Brandon)

—"I'm a single mother living below the poverty line. I keep forgetting - do I pay twice Mitt Romney's tax rate, or four times?" (Jameson)

—"If I autoerotically asphyxiate myself in my home office, can I deduct the cost of my belts as a business expense?" (Matt)

—"Yes, but how much would I have to pay if I were GAY married and filing jointly?" (Tenessa)

—"Are Funyuns still deductible, or did Obama fuck that up, too?" (Jameson)

—"If my prostitute donates her proceeds to charity, does that mean I can write off a percentage of my payments?" (Matt)

—"If you mess up my taxes, they won't put me in the Hunger Games, will they?" (Joe)

—"If I don't take the standard deduction, is there an HD version?" (Jameson)

—"So I've been composting my poop and compressing the gases produced to power the heating and cooling units in my pot greenhouse. Is there some sort of green energy tax credit out there for me?" (Matt)

—"Did you know that if you put 5318008 on your calculator and turn it upside-down it looks like 'BOOBIES?'" (Joe)

—"Are you a Charles Grodin in Midnight Run sort of accountant, or more of a Charles Grodin in Dave type accountant?" (Brandon)

—"What's the most discrete way to report the $19,000 I made in foreign sperm bank donations without tipping off my wife?" (Matt)

—"What's the maximum I can contribute to my retirement account for 2011? Ha! Just kidding! Can you recommend a good soup kitchen or secondhand sandwich shop around here?" (Jameson)

—"Can I write off a gravy boat? What about a regular boat? How about a yacht? Let me be straight with you: I have a gravy yacht, and you can borrow it for a week if you can figure out how to hide it from the IRS." (Tenessa)

—"Is that how Pauly D would claim it?" (Matt)

—"How much do I have to contribute to the Gingrich campaign for him to qualify as a 'dependent'?" (Jameson)

—"Is it true that if you're a cop, you have to tell me?" (Joe)

—"Are my gold grillz a dental expense or an investment?" (Matt)

—"Don't you hate Form 1120, Schedule O: Consent Plan and Apportionment Schedule for a Controlled Group?" (Brandon)

—"Isn't it great knowing that all of this money will fund wise, bipartisan decisions that improve my state and nation?" (Tenessa)

—"If I get a handjob in another state, do I have to file a separate state return to report it?" (Matt)

—"My cats and robots and I have seceded from America and live on an elevated platform in the St. Lawrence Seaway. We don't recognize the taxing authority of the U.S. government. How do I go about retrieving all that money that was withheld from my paychecks?" (Jameson)

—"Apropos of nothing, do you think 'Business Ideas, LLC' sounds like the name of a made-up company?" (Joe)

—"Can I pay for this with gumbo?" (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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