POOP READING
Mar 30, 2012

The price of an average gallon of gas has risen daily for nearly three weeks now, with 10 states and the District of Columbia already over the $4.00 mark. How are consumers in the U.S. handling the increased cost at the pump?

Ways Americans Are Dealing with High Gas Prices

—Well, they've sure as shit stopped mocking that guy who rides his horse to work. (Mike)

—Seeing if their cars can run on the same diet of cheez-blasted pretzel dogs and choco-glazed mini pies that they somehow manage to survive on. (Brandon)

—Rather than drive to a more private location, men are just having sex with prostitutes in the Taco Bell parking lot where they pick them up. (Matt)

—Whenever I'm feeling angry about high gas prices, I just shoot a teenager wearing a hoodie. (Tenessa)

—Installing fast, convenient water slides between important destinations. (Jameson)

—Pouring gasoline on cereal instead of milk in a very dangerous and economically inadvisable attempt to avoid costly trips to the grocery store. (Joe)

—Staying home and masturbating every night, instead of just weeknights. (Mike)

—Riding on the outside and roof of SUVs, like train passengers in India. (Brandon)

—Ingeniously drinking a bottle of grain alcohol every night and then pissing the diluted savings into their flex fuel gas tanks the next morning. (Matt)

—They can afford the increased cost, seeing as how they have ample jobs, contraception, and health insurance. (Tenessa)

—Attempting to fill their fuel tanks with pink slime bought at a sharp discount after the public backlash. (Jameson)

—Stupid-but-literal Americans are farting into the gas tank. (Mike)

—Sales of human-sized catapults are up 73%. (Brandon)

—Finally embracing the foot-powered approach endorsed in The Flintstones. (Matt)

—Looking into one of those DeLoreans that run off of banana peels and old garbage. (Jameson)

—Quietly hoping Rush Limbaugh will call gasoline a slut. (Brandon)

—While they represent only a small fraction of the population, there are a handful of people who have literally had to stop guzzling gas every day. (Matt)

—They've replaced high-octane gas with Folgers crystals. Let's see what happens. (Tenessa)

—Abandoning their car when it runs out of gas, carjacking another, and repeating the cycle until they eventually get their original car back with a full tank. (Brandon)

—Emigrating to Venezuela in order to mail back envelopes full of cheap, sweet crude oil. (Matt)

—Nothing. It's not like all of our kids were college material. (Mike)

—Buying fuel efficient cars, carpooling, telecommuting, and using public transit – haha! Just kidding, they're blaming Obama. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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