Mar 16, 2012

This week, Apple is releasing the latest version of its popular tablet computer, the iPad, and as with past Apple product launches, it is expected there will be long lines outside of the company's stores as customers hope to be among the first to own one. Oh, to be a fly on the wall near those lines...

Things Overheard in the Customer Lines for the New iPad

—"I'm getting two, so they can be the 'mom' and 'dad' of my iPhone." (Jameson)

—"I'll trade you my authenticated collection of Steve Jobs's pubes for the first spot in line." (Brad)

—"Whoa, there's a black guy. OK, everybody be cool. Just be cool." (Joe)

—"I hope my daughter enjoys my old iPad 2, and I hope her cat enjoys my daughter's old iPad 1." (Jameson)

—"What is that bright orb in the sky? It burns! IT BURNS!!" (Tenessa)

—"No, I don't think it's ridiculous that I have a crib with a charger waiting for it at home." (Matt)

—"What?? I thought this was the line for the International Partnership of Albinos & Dowagers!" (Brandon)

—"I'm bummed that it still doesn't have the technology to support my Scent of Frying Bologna app." (Mike)

—"This thing better load eBay, because that's right where I'm going as soon as I get my hands on it!" (Jameson)

—"Check it out! I'm rocking a catheter AND a colostomy bag for this thing!" (Brad)

—"I hear the birds look even angrier on this one." (Joe)

—"I'm excited to get my first iPad, but a little apprehensive about the ritual hazing all new Apple customers have to go through." (Jameson)

—"If they hadn't given those stupid Chinese factory workers a raise, it would only be $491 instead of $499. What a ripoff!" (Tenessa)

—"I really can't afford to buy one, but I'm pretty sure there's an app that can show me how to go without eating for a month to make up the difference." (Matt)

—"I'm taping two iPads together back-to-back in hopes of creating a portal to a parallel universe ruled by benevolent iPads." (Jameson)

—"I'm going to see if I can get it to have sex with my Roomba." (Tenessa)

—"I remember two years ago when I thought the iPad was an unnecessary gadget with contrived demand, and I remember last year, when I traded in my son for one." (Jameson)

—"50% of marriages end in divorce, so there's a chance my sister will have another wedding. But if you miss this, you miss it for good." (Joe)

—"I don't trust anyone over 30, nor any iPads more than ten months old." (Jameson)

—"I wanted one so badly that I sold my blood plasma. And my plasma TV. And my Jubilee Poseable Action Figure with Plasma-Hurling Action." (Tenessa)

—"NERDS!" (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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