Baron von Funny


Mar 9, 2012

After neck surgery forced legendary Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning to miss all of the 2011 NFL season, the Colts announced this week they are releasing him, partly to avoid paying him a $28M bonus, and partly because they hold the #1 pick in the upcoming draft and are likely to take Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck. Manning was with the Colts for 14 years, and as with any long-term relationship that comes to an end, there are some additional factors driving the sudden break-up...

Other Reasons Peyton Manning and the Colts Are Parting Ways

—It's not that he took the season off due to surgery... it's that he didn't even call! (Jameson)

—Colts fear Manning is entering the "texting young women pictures of his junk" phase of his career. (Mike)

—He insisted that every rookie get "Horseshoed" prior to their first preseason game. Most rookies never spoke of it again. (Matt)

—"Peyton" is, when it comes right down to it, a girl's name. (Joe)

—Turns out that the person responsible for urine-marking the initials P.M. all over Lucas Oil Stadium was not punter Pat McAfee, as Manning had originally suggested. (Brandon)

—Manning requested insurance coverage for oral contraceptives to treat his ovarian cysts, and team owner Jim Irsay called him a slut. (Tenessa)

—Football was just taking too much time away from Manning's commitment to the funny-commercial industry. (Jameson)

—In a moment of levity, he once referred to Indiana native Sydney Pollack as "Sydney Polyp". Big mistake. (Matt)

—It's just not natural for a man to be in a relationship with baby horses. Huh? What's that? Oh, I'm being told this has something to do with football. (Tenessa)

—How could the Colts possibly mess with the perfect synergy of a quarterback named "Luck" wearing a horseshoe on his helmet? (Joe)

—Team management has always been secretly embarrassed by Manning's four ESPY awards. (Brandon)

—Every time a teammate was expecting a child, he'd jokingly suggest they name it Peyton, but you could tell he really meant it. (Matt)

—He can no longer manage his crippling fear of blue horseshoes. (Tenessa)

—While Manning was resting up from surgery, Colts owner Jim Irsay invented a funny voice that he pretended was coming from Manning's navel. (Jameson)

—All he ever uses the Siri function on his iPhone for is looking up pictures of himself. (Matt)

—Manning wouldn't stop squeezing the team toothpaste from the middle of the tube. (Mike)

—I don't know about you, but I think the Colts deserve a lot of credit for putting up with that haircut as long as they did. (Matt)

—Manning's refusal to back down from his belief that, for the 2012 season, the team should wear capes. (Brandon)

—He never once cupped center Jeff Saturday's balls before the snap. (Matt)

—The stadium refuses to play "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks whenever Manning takes the field. (Tenessa)

—Sure, he's from there, and yes, it's the right way to pronounce it, but it's still sounds stupid when he calls it "N'awlins". (Matt)

—There were just too many other quarterbacks who were willing to be too old and injured to play for the Colts for less than $28 million. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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