POOP READING
Mar 23, 2012

Michael Bay, whose production company is producing a reboot of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise, came under fire this week when he suggested that in the new movie, the Turtles would come from "an alien race" rather than from radioactive ooze, as was the case in the original comic book series. This statement caused an uproar among TMNT fans, and probably won't be the last time they butt heads with Bay...

Other Changes Michael Bay Has Planned for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Franchise

—The turtles are commanded by God to play for the Jets. (Jameson)

—Rather than having shells, the Turtles will wear giant Red Bull cans for protection. (Matt)

—Like all teenagers, the turtles will spend the entire movie texting on their smartphones. (Tenessa)

—Previous movie villain (Shredder) will be replaced by new movie villain (childhood obesity). (Joe)

—I'm not saying Michelangelo is gay, but there is a 12-minute, music-video-style scene where he lovingly polishes Donatello's shell in super slo-mo. (Mike)

—Teenage turtles to be replaced by older women, and instead of mutant ninjas, they will be sassy, quick-witted friends who share a house in Miami– oh crap, he's making a Golden Girls movie. (Brandon)

—Since nobody knows old painters any more, Bay will be renaming the turtles after household names like Omarosa, The Situation, and Dina Lohan. (Jameson)

—President Romney will send the Turtles to kill Kony. (Matt)

—Taking his cues from Walter Matthau in The Bad News Bears, Splinter is a foul-mouthed alcoholic who teaches the turtles very little. (Tenessa)

—The turtles gain their powers after being exposed to a fetid garbage shit swamp left behind by Occupy Wall Street protesters in Zuccotti Park. (Joe)

—Instead of turtles, Bay will use CGI to make Teenage Dreamy Channing Tatums. (Mike)

—Dozens of turtle soup and Turtle Wax jokes, all of which come before the Turtles even appear in the movie. (Matt)

—The legendary fifth turtle? Jar-Jar Binks. (Jameson)

—This version will include 260% more patriotic explosions. (Tenessa)

—Centering around the theme of the Turtles finding a discarded baby in the sewer, Four Turtles and a Baby will be a comedy with a heart of gold and will feature a special guest appearance by Steve Guttenberg. (Matt)

—If DeMet's Candy Company can come through with enough seed money, they will be the Teenage Chocolate & Gooey Caramel Ninja Turtles. (Brandon)

—Instead of turtles, they'll be adolescent wizards who transform into cars and trucks in love with vampires forced to hunt each other to the death for sport. (Joe)

—In an attempt to draw in fans of Entourage, the Turtles will now be the "Turtles" and will all be played by Jerry Ferrara. (Matt)

—It should probably go without saying, but he'll be plucking some preposterously hot untalented teenage actress from obscurity and filming her running from explosive rubble in various states of undress. (Jameson)

—Instead of pizza, their favorite food will be whole-grain, organic, wheat-free, gluten-free, dairy-free, peanut-free energy pellets. (Tenessa)

—In a classic bad guy mistake, Shredder will allow Donatello to follow him on Twitter, where he will be privy to all of Shedder's master plans. (Matt)

—Proposal for a knockout "four-quadrants" crossover movie in which the four turtles meet (and repeatedly bed) the four ladies from Sex and the City. (Jameson)

—All I know is that if Christina Hendricks doesn't play April O'Neil, I'm burning down every movie theater in the United States. That's not a threat, that's a goddamn promise. (Joe)

—A whole lot of titties. Let's see you complain about that one, fans. (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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