Feb 10, 2012

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, many people find themselves once again struggling to come up with a new and interesting way to celebrate with their loved one, but sometimes it's better to just stick with the classics...

Least Popular Valentine's Day Gifts

—A Weight Watchers gift card, tubby. (Mike)

—Whitman's new Li'l Chocolate Moose Genitals sampler. (Brandon)

—A handful of "Plan B" contraceptive pills and a bus ticket out of town. (Jameson)

—A sweatshirt embroidered with an acronym commemorating your around-the-world trip from Croatia to Uruguay to Nicaragua and finally to Tunisia. (Matt)

—Certificate for 1 free back rub*.

(*provided that you listen to a 45-minute lecture on why Ron Paul is the only candidate who can possibly lead the U.S. back to prosperity) (Joe)

—An incomplete set of Night Court Season 4 DVDs. (Mike)

—Tickets to Schindler's List on Ice. (Matt)

—A card bearing a photo of you and your mistress, in which you ask your wife for an open marriage. (Jameson)

—A kidnapped Japanese businessman. (Brandon)

—An iPod Nano? You fucking cheapskate! (Matt)

—Mitt Romney's "Songs of the Campaign Trail" a cappella CD. (Jameson)

Champions Once More: The Story of the 2011 New York Giants on Blu-Ray. (Joe)

—Regifting back to your husband the necklace he gave you just seconds earlier. (Matt)

—An invitation to accompany Ralph Wiggum to the Krusty the Clown Show 29th Anniversary Gala. (Jameson)

—She gets to hold the remote. (Mike)

—Role-playing the scene in Goodfellas where Ray Liotta pistol whips that guy. And your wife plays that guy. (Matt)

—A bag of customized candy hearts that all read "SEE OTHER SIDE". (Jameson)

—A belching-only performance of Paul Anka's "(You're) Having My Baby". (Brandon)

—Repeatedly telling your fair-skinned girlfriend she's going to burn in Hell, but forgetting to mention that you're talking about the summer getaway you've got planned for her in Hell Hole Valley, Arizona. (Matt)

—A pre-owned Sam MacMurray "Home Butt Waxing Kit". (Jameson)

—Divorce papers. (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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