Jan 20, 2012

In an interview in the latest issue of Men's Journal, actor Mark Wahlberg suggested that had he been on the American Airlines flight from Boston to Los Angeles that crashed into the World Trade Center on 9/11 (as he was originally scheduled to be), he would have subdued the terrorists and helped land the plane safely. And that's just one of the many changes that would take place in a parallel universe where Mark Wahlberg can be everywhere at once...

Other Ways Mark Wahlberg Would Have Changed History If Only He'd Been There

—Washington would've crossed the Delaware accompanied by the Funky Bunch. (Jameson)

—Would've been the starting quarterback for the four-time Super Bowl Champion Minnesota Vikings! (Mike)

—Let's just say Jesus would bear a striking genetic resemblance to Mark Wahlberg. (Brandon)

—Would have literally cockblocked the bullet that killed Martin Luther King, Jr. (Matt)

—If he'd only been invited to join the Motion Picture Academy a few years earlier he could have prevented American history's greatest tragedy: Shakespeare In Love winning Best Picture over Saving Private Ryan. (Joe)

—Maybe if he had been at the Marshall Senior High School toga dance in 1990, somebody would have asked me to dance! (Tenessa)

—That Lindbergh Baby would be alive and kicking right now, and up to his neck in high-grade tail. (Jameson)

—He's always felt that his movie Four Brothers could've used an extra brother – specifically, Dr. Joyce Brothers. (Brandon)

—If he'd gone to school with Elton John, Elton John wouldn't have turned into such a queeah. (Joe)

—Ivan Drago would have been quietly assassinated before he ever even made it to the States. (Matt)

—This should go without saying, but there would be no such thing as Taco Bell. (Jameson)

—He heard that Isaac Newton died a virgin. I mean, come on, the guy at least deserved a hand job. (Brandon)

—When Rick Perry forgot the third government agency he would eliminate, he could have looked into the crowd, where Wahlberg would have mouthed the words "Department of Energy, you fucking moron." (Mike)

—That guy from We Bought a Zoo wouldn't have bought that zoo. (Jameson)

—Before Brett Favre and Anthony Wiener sent their fateful pictures, he would have let them use his gigantic prosthetic penis from Boogie Nights. (Brandon)

—Would have gotten away with it even in spite of those meddling kids! (Joe)

—He'd go back in time, Terminator-style, and perform a fist-based vasectomy on the father of longtime nemesis Mark L. Walberg, host of PBS's Antiques Roadshow. (Jameson)

—Say hello to 2009 Academy Awards Best Picture winner Max Payne. (Brandon)

—While he might not have been able to do much to advance the gay rights movement, his presence at the Stonewall riots certainly would have made them much hotter. (Matt)

—Wahlberg has always been bothered by an incident from his teen years when he referred to Boston resident Thanh Lam as a "Vietnam fucking shit" while savagely beating him. Wahlberg would set things right by using the more gramatically correct phrasing "fucking Vietnamese shit." (Jameson)

—Would've prevented the Bill Buckner incident from Game 6 of the 1986 World Series by savagely beating Mookie Wilson in the on-deck circle while calling him "Vietnam fucking shit!" (Brandon)

—Let's just say if Mark Wahlberg had been there to land on the moon, that moon would have stayed landed on. (Jameson)

—Try fifteen commandments! (Joe)

—You know those stories that just aren't that enjoyable because "you had to be there"? Mark Wahlberg would have been there. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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