Dec 30, 2011

With Father Time about to once again pass the baton to Baby New Year, we take a moment to remember the year gone by...

Memorable Moments from 2011 That May Not Have Actually Happened

—Frustrated that the world would never accept their love, Gaddafi and Kim Jong Il kill each other in a murder-suicide pact. (Jameson)

—In a November GOP debate, Rick Perry's tour de force recitation of the three government agencies he'd eliminate as President is hailed as a modern-day Gettysburg Address. (Mike)

—Upon discovering that firearms are useless against her, Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords single-handedly deposes President Obama, declares herself Empress-for-Life, and dares anybody to do something about it. (Joe)

—An estimated two billion people watch as Prince William marries – and later, graphically beds – Camilla Parker Bowles. (Brandon)

—President Obama orders the death of Osama bin Laden, but Republicans successfully convince Americans that Obama married bin Laden instead. In the butt. Like a GAY! (Tenessa)

—In between exchanging insults with Donald Trump, Rosie O'Donnell gives birth to a live barracuda at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert. (Jameson)

—After being universally lauded for quietly choosing winning over earning a higher salary, LeBron James heroically owns the 4th quarter in Game 7 of the NBA Finals, satisfying NBA fans everywhere by bringing a title back to Miami. (Mike)

—Without explanation, the state of Montana officially changes its motto to "If Momma Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy." (Joe)

—Legendary Penn State football coach Joe Paterno is dismissed amidst allegations that a member of his coaching staff hung his toilet paper in the underhand fashion and Paterno did nothing to stop it. (Jameson)

—Labor strife dominates the sports headlines as NFL and NBA players fight for the right to poop in jars on live TV. (Brandon)

—Glenn Beck interviews John Boehner, and inexplicably, neither man cries. (Mike)

60 Minutes commentator Andy Rooney is killed during another of his infamous Freeway Underpass Bondage Orgies. (Jameson)

—U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner resigns in disgrace after getting caught sending several women pictures of Brett Favre. (Brandon)

—After a long battle with cancer, Steve Jobs dies in October, but spends most of November polling ahead of Mitt Romney in the GOP primary. (Jameson)

—Desperate for some variety in his masturbatory erotica, A-Rod spanks it to a picture of Coretta Scott King. (Mike)

—America's credit gets downgraded just as Vice President Joe Biden was about to get a loan to buy a bitchin', tricked-out van. (Brandon)

—In a scene reminiscent of Jules Verne's Around the World in Eighty Days, wealthy American plutocrats reclining in well-appointed salons dare Herman Cain to pretend to run for president, and are amazed when he actually goes through with it. (Jameson)

—The biggest movie of the year is, once again, an adaptation of a widely-read book aimed at young people: Everyone Poops. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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