Nov 18, 2011

—Smile. (Brandon)

—String together unpronounceable consonants. (Tenessa)

—Throw a chair (for accuracy, not distance). (Mike)

—Mrs. Knight. Eh? Eh? (Joe)

—Spin a basketball on his erect penis. (Matt)

—Look like the guy who plays Taub on House. (Jameson)

—Choke a bitch. (Brandon)

—They're both doing a great job of NOT RAPING LITTLE BOYS. (Tenessa)

—Punch a goat square in the mouth. (Matt)

—Parcheesi. (You'd think Scrabble, but no, Parcheesi.) (Jameson)

—Spend one minute in a room with Christian Laettner without singing "Gaaaay, Gay Gaay Gaay GAAAAYYYY" to the tune of the Dragnet theme. (To be fair though, almost nobody except Mike Krzyzewski can do that.) (Joe)

—Look a little bit like Hitler. (Mike)

—Bury prostitutes in the desert. (Matt)

—It may be damning with faint praise, but he does look slightly less vomit-inducing in a Speedo. (Jameson)

—Cook. What? Some of these aren't meant to be funny, merely factual. (Joe)

—Eat a hoagie seductively. (Matt)

—Keister a magical golden basketball found in an abandoned cave deep in the mountains of Tajikistan. Or at least that's what I thought I heard Jay Bilas say once on ESPN. I wasn't really paying attention. (Brandon)

—That fancy "alley-oop" dunking thing? Yeah, Krzyzewski is great at telling people to do that. (Jameson)

—Be achingly white. (Matt)

—Manage to not be a complete fucking asshole douchebag bully piece of shit. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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